Mental Illness: I’m a Survivor

Mental illness impacts everyone on this earth. From the small degrees to the severe disorders. We go through day-to-day seeing people, most we don’t generally know, and have no clue about who and what they are going through. For a long time, four years actually, I’ve been going through my own battle with mental illness. The very word tends to make me cringe because what some believe as an illness, I sometimes believe it’s a mechanism for surviving. To put it bluntly, everyone has some kind of mental illness, you’re just not classified, but I’m not judging. Many people see me and think that I’m the most jovial individual they’ve laid their eyes on. I’m never without a smile or a laugh and I tend to be the most optimistic person. But most don’t know the problems I face, or used to readily face back when I started college. Most people who knew me thought I was making it up for attention (trust me…I get enough attention).

When I started college, actually a little bit before my the end of my senior year of high school, I began noticing periods of time loss. I had found that I was forgetting majority of days and moments in my life that should have been memorable. I thought maybe I was just stressed, because at the time my household was not a place of serenity but it was always a battlefield between my grandmother and I. Me being the person I’ve known myself to be have always said what I want and she doesn’t like that. I.e. I have a smart mouth. But the more I had to be quiet the more I noticed that I would say things that I shouldn’t have. The arguments would escalate and when she told me to be quiet I knew I had to, but this voice took over, making me say things, almost as if I need to override my own submissiveness and say how I actually felt. But some of the things I said I didn’t actually feel at all. My father was trying to come back into my life, my mother and grandmother were arguing again as I had seen hundreds of times before, and to top that off, I had memories from my childhood, ones of me being molested, coming to me in form of a recurring dream. And once I understood what the recurring dream was telling me, it went away and tears poured from me as if I had unlocked the gates to the inevitable flood. I kept it to myself for a long time, sometimes even doubting myself if what I had uncovered was the real truth.

As I graduated high school that summer came. I began to lose traces of time, sometimes in the middle of the day, I went to sleep and woke up at different times of the day, sometimes it was the next day or even a week. I couldn’t understand what was going on. Maybe I was stressed because I knew I was going on this path of higher education. Things began to get more intense when voices were in my head. I had already been hearing voices before, I thought it could be schizophrenia, that did run in the family…I knew what was happening wasn’t real. One thing I pride myself on is being able to distinguish fantasy from reality. So I went to a psychologist, maybe he would have some answers…and to my dismay, he was rather…interesting. He thought I had schizoid personality. Due to my environment, lineage and current state of mind. I read up on it and definitely felt that this could be me. But he sent me to a specialist, one with a degree that could give me drugs…drugs that would help me but also get me high as a kite and I was here for it! I was slightly excited about that.

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He asked me more thorough questions that the previous doctor and increasingly insisted asking me if I was many people, insinuating I had multiple personalities. I grew defensive, as if I was being infiltrated and vehemently denied it. But he concluded that I wasn’t a schizoid. After we talked he had brought my grandmother into the room, she started crying, thinking I needed to be medicated and she didn’t want me on drugs. The doctor say the controlling nature she had and understood what I was going through. I knew I wasn’t crazy.

But that quickly changed when I became a passenger in my own body and watched my day-to-day functions with me having no control over the wheel. I would use various names, one name my grandmother knew from a man in our past, a man I couldn’t possibly remember at my age. His name was Smiley. Smiley was an aspect of me that was aggressive, a rough individual who was self-destructive in the case that they would physically want to hurt people regardless of the internal consequences. Then there was Kim, this highly sexual preteen who wanted sex from men with no regard to the reputation they would carry. There were many more, shards as I call them, to my personality that would take over and live life. And in social environments, depending on the people, I would lose time and take on this personality that would best fit that community. Sometimes I was a passenger, other times I was active but influenced by some other internal force. One thing I will say that I’m happy about with my condition is that the voices give me good insight on people without me even knowing them…even give me great comebacks to insults hurled my way. And not only that, they used to have their own opinions on situations and I had to listen to their banter…sometimes it affected me because I would subconsciously act out the emotion they were feeling at the time. Such as when a dear close friend told me that she was “quitting her whorish ways” and I gave her the look of confidence…but it came out like something else.

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However I said all that to come to this. I’m in a much better place than I was two years ago. I’m very self-aware, I haven’t had a blackout…except for one instance but that was because of alcohol…in a long time. I don’t like to think of my “problem” as an illness because it certainly can be seen as a defense mechanism, coping, or survivalist mentality. I don’t know what entirely I had, whether it be borderline personality, multiple personality, schizoid or even a dissociative disorder. But I do know that I’ve survived that experience in my life, as I will many more times. I’ve come to the conclusion that accepting all these instrumental parts of me is a lot better than trying to dismiss them as an alternate fantasy. I’ve had close friends help me in my fugue states, some understand and others don’t. And I thank those that have stuck around and dealt with the oddness that I give out. Sometimes we need a little guidance to let us know what’s happening in order for us to better steer our lives in the direction we’re trying to go. I oddly can say that I miss the people in my head…not too much…but I miss having something understand my feelings, even more understand situations I couldn’t understand. More importantly make me comprehend that I’m not mentally ill…I’m just surviving the best way I can.

So to let everyone know, I haven’t forcibly blacked out in a long time, I’m currently feeling generally good about my life and feel like I can handle everything on my own, because I can.

 

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You Like to suck what? Oh succubus!

I looked good that night, my haircut sharp and styled as if I was getting ready for war. My fingers fidgeted with one another as if I had a bad case of tourettes or worse…craving a drink as if I had been ten years sober.
I saw something I liked, something that made my thighs tingle and my heart palpitate. I didn’t know why I felt this way, I had just jacked off twenty minutes ago but after seeing this man I something grew in me. I was yearning for his touch all over my body, wanting him to plunge into me without hesitation. So I stared for awhile, sizing him up as if he was wild game ready to be slaughtered. And after he made eye contact with me, I looked away, as if I was a child looking at a naughty film. I had trapped him, this was my first time actually picking someone up without the need for a phone app or the internet. I was doing this all on my own. I looked back at him, I didn’t look like I would be his type, he was fairly stocky, as if he played rugby or just heavy lifted as an occupation. He was a man…I could smell his testosterone and I wanted more than just a look. So when he would look away I would look back and he’d catch me again and I’d act all shy. Until finally he walked over, giving me a smile I looked down submissively. “I noticed you looking at me” he said. Inside this devilish grin was beaming and I looked at him, with that smile so many say is ensnaring . We had talked for an hour and I got his number…we talked about random things he did which was awful to even pay attention to and we occasionally through the innuendos at one another, letting each other know how much we could take from one another and how big we liked it. So before we parted ways I sealed the deal, I infected him with a kiss of uncertainty, I had landed my prey. Over the next few weeks it was pictures back and forth, me doing whatever acrobatics I need to tease his imagination with or videos that showed how well I could handle my business. Until the day finally came to where we fucked each other like we had been searching for one another in numerous lifetimes. I held him close anytime he entered me and I kissed his neck when I entered him. I dragged my tongue across his skin and bit him leaving my mark. The moment was titilating, I could sense his desire for me increasing with every pump or buck and I sucked from him the life he thought he had control over. He came three times that day and I was satisfied for only a moment…but as I laid there thinking about this, I knew I would never be satisfied…because an incubus could only feed and never truly create.

I’m a Succubus, or incubus if you want to get all gender specific. Ive been this way since I’ve matured into a sexual creature. I’ve had that magnetism on many victims and once I learned about sex, which I’ve been called a natural at, it just grew worse from there. What is a succubus? Well in mythological terms it’s a sex spirit/demon that comes to men or women and drains them of their life force in their sleep. Usually sleep paralysis is one symptom but it varies. They are known to feed off your energy until you no longer can function to where to die or become absolutely miserable. Now do I believe in these spirits? Of course I do, it’s in my history. But what happens when a succubus inhabits a body? It’s the same as possession, the force infects you, changes your life and slowly overtime becomes you and you cease to exist, at least you still do but you’re stuck to live with the force in the same body.

Now you might think, Mychole, you’re just a nympho. Well no…a nympho is rather psychological…being a succubus is rather different because it’s the spiritual aspects that involve you and the prey much more. My version of a physically incarnated succubus is an unquenchable hunger for someones sexual energy. You feed off of them, feeling their energy flow through you and once you have it you know they are a slave to your power. A succubus doesn’t care who you are, who you are committed to, their goal is to trap you and claim you. The touch of succubus is undeniably sexually charged, a hug is erotic, a massage is erotic, their voice, their gaze. Everything about them somehow becomes sexual, even the language they use. Some people don’t know they are infected with this creature, but luckily I do…sadly I am.

Aside from the benefits of having this energy in you, which is amazing sexual gratification, is the sad reality that you can physically settle down. Even though you want something meaningful, you want a person to love you and care for you, to make you their world, a part of you understands that it’s just not possible. You want anyone who will bow to you, crave your skills whether that be of the throat, the vagina, the ass, the hands, any body part you know causes a rush of endorphins in that victim. You know once you get someone who cares about you, your fear is that you’ll hurt them unwillingly because you know you’ll suck the life out of them without thinking. Aside from wanting just the sex 6 times a day, you want to be their God…to listen to you. The succubus is a dangerous fiend who can rip apart families, destroy their “lovers” hearts and lives if they don’t obey. This is the life that I don’t want…I want someone to care about me and me not hurt them. One reason I’m not with someone is because of the fear I’d hurt them. But another fear is that the succubus will be used like they used their prey. If they are tied down they can’t prosper because they can’t feed off their host in the manner they see fit.

A succubus is all about control. And if you have control the succubus feels weak. But beware, just because a succubus appears weak doesn’t mean you have control.

I’ve had many a men in my life, some I’m sad I even let inside of me or I in them …but the ones that I have had that I’m proud of I remember. There was a country boy from Red Oak, IA. When we had first met I thought I was standing under a God, he was tall, rough but had such a baby face. He owned me, his cock was thicker than anything I’ve had, I literally was stretched open…praise god everything went back to the way it was but Lawd I have never been manhandled like that. Aside from him being bisexual and not really knowing how big his dick is when it comes to anal sex I managed to lull this giant down after he came. I straddled him while he lied on his stomach. Brushing my body against his skin feeling his energy pull away from him…he grew more and more tired as I ran my fingers across his back and I sat on his butt like a cat poised. I asked him to fuck me again, and he did…to this day he wants more and I’m the only guy he’s fucked in the past year…The same goes for my Engineer, he has been trained to give me two loads, almost three one time. He thinks I like satisfying him, but it’s all about me.

So what does this have to do with my spirituality? Well as I’ll bring up in another post, this darkness in me is something I don’t want to hold onto forever. I want to have more than just this sex/power exchange. But I’ve come to realize that this time in my life is about letting me explore my darkness, this new nature I’m slowly beginning to embrace. I would love to keep it but I don’t know if I should.

Moving To Quickly: Look Around

 

I used to think moving fast was just intercourse. I never thought oral, handsies or even just making out was included in the package. So what happens when you move to quickly? Well two things from what I noticed, you either move into something fast and then it sizzles out faster than expected. Or you actually destroy all chances of even moving into something because the interest is gone. That’s what usually happens to me. I am an expressive person and I like to know that the person I’m dealing with is actually worth my time and that I’m making an effort to open myself up. However when moving fast occurs it can seem like you’re only after one thing, but that’s not necessarily the case. Trust me if I was after one thing I would have gotten it the very day! Image In the heat of the moment when two people begin to have this chemistry, the hormones begin to mix and in no time there is a release of sexual energy. I didn’t think it was a bad thing, we both did something we wanted to do. When one said no, we stopped, but sadly the power of sex (any kind) is a force that can lead you to do things. Sometimes the mind is weak and gives in, other times the mind lets you do just a little bit to where you know your safe. However my mind always wants to give apart of myself when I want something serious. And when I give myself and I get nothing back I begin to grow irritated, angry and almost vengeful. It is essentially is the person telling me “you know I’m not into this, so I’m going to back out but it was fun knowing you”.

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Trust me, I’ve had my fair share of issues with doing this, and I know it hurts, it’s unfair and is downright immature. I will never forget I went on a date with this cute white boy he was bisexual and gave me head during the great Gatsby, by our second date we got to know each other and had a nice talk. By that night he told me he wasn’t really interested in a relationship because my life goals weren’t really together. But bitch my life goals were perfect to suck my cock. Anyway, I was in my second year of college at that point, there was no goals because I still didn’t have an idea. And I certainly didn’t know this was a relationship date, I thought we were going to be FWB however I respected his decision and his choice of telling me upfront. It let me know that I don’t have to waste energy on someone that is’t going to be 100%. From that point on I made a point that I would be mature about my decisions, knowing that I’m also a part of another persons life even if it’s minuscule. 

So now I’m learning not to move quickly, but my quickly is different from someone else and now I’m learning a lesson. But this lesson taught me so much more about other people than myself. Once again I am desirable sexually and once the thirst is quenched, it’s a done deal that they won’t return. That’s how you know the relationship isn’t going to build into something you would like. However there is that person that has stuck around even when they got a taste of the goodies, that’s how you know they care. They want to not only be your friend, they not only want to fuck you daily but they want to be a unit, one, together. 

So my advice is before you actually take the step to give yourself, that sexual beast you know is amazing in bed, think if this other person will stay interested or if they’re actually interested in you to the point that you laying that good dick/pussy down on them will not hinder the relationship. I honestly wish I could go back to change my choices, but then again, maybe I dodged a bullet. Slow down, reflect, relax and observe. Because if a bitch doesn’t want you why even continue you to try and give them the time. And trust me, I’m a capricorn, nothing else around me exist until I get what I want…and if I don’t want it I will totally be ambivalent to its existence. The motto of a capricorn is “are you relevant to my well being?”. And this is how I go about learning of relationships. Asking myself if they are relevant…if they have a purpose or meaning in my life. But if you’re not important…well…

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Bitch This is HIGHER EDUCATION: College Rant

Warning: This is a rant…so I sound like a bitch. It has really no substance and it’s more personal than anything. So you might not understand anything I’m talking about but…oh well. Enjoy the gif at least.

I’ve been in school for three years now. And in these six tumultuous semesters I’ve come to learn nothing in my classes. However I’ve learned so much about people since I’ve taken on this task of college. Now me being an inner city, BLACK (regardless of my other racial backgrounds), non-hetero, lower-middle class, male you would think I would have tons of experience with society. I never imagined coming to a place where people had their heads so far up their assess that they believed their shit was a delicacy that was far greater than anything a commoner, like me, could attain. So what do I want to talk about today? Bitches that act like they are stuck in a world that revolves around them and their high school antics. I’m not here for it! And I also want to talk about bitches being sheltered and not being uneducated but being utterly IGNORANT, and I mean that in the most negative sense of the word.

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Where did my bitchiness start? You could say the day I got tired of everyone’s bullshit surrounding me. Everyone talks about each other behind their backs and yet won’t address the situation to the person’s face. Or worse, they make up stories to cover up the shit they were saying initially and it makes a larger mess. Me, personally, if I have a bone to pick I’m not beating around the bush. Yes I do get upset with people and talk about them to other people but it’s not to the point where I’m bashing them. If I’m bashing them, I’ll say it to their face as well.

I’m in the cafeteria, listening to a group of my friends talk about someone that seems to be disrupting the friendly relationships of everyone in the group. And I sit there thinking “now bitch, you could have easily handled this situation if you would have addressed it right then and there!” But no one seems to do that. Instead they weasel their way around each other and it turns into a whole bunch of he/she said this and that. And sometimes I get in the middle of the mess, which I try to keep myself out of, and I almost get attacked like I did something wrong. Don’t do me boo, it’s not my fault that you can’t keep your mouth closed and you expose your friends bullshit. Why do you think no one tells you anything? More importantly lets get on the topic of acting fake around someone you don’t like but continually coerce with the bitch like she’s going to be invited to your next birthday party. And so many tell me that “Oh you should teach them how to be more aggressive or upfront”…but my response is simple.

tumblr_inline_n3ocyerLhr1soaarcI’ll be damned if I begin on trying to help you get cho life when you know you’re a sad excuse for an individual.

Let’s begin with the whole debacle of the “football table” that seems to have a mainstay in our cafeteria. The only guys that sit there “helmet heads” and many of them have this elite view of owning the fucking table and shunning anyone who isn’t in the circle. Now I wrote an article pertaining  to this issue after I made an accidental rebellion and seized the table and took up maybe half the table. I guess dudes were getting upset that I and my friends sat down. They looked uneasy, I was perfectly fine, I was planning to do it on my own because I DGAF what anyone thinks they’re entitled to. People were so proud that I stood up and created this voice…however no one sits there to this very day. I would sit there again, but it would only be for making a point. So it’s shit like this that gets my nerves. This isn’t high school!

Let’s talk about comments that are made by people regarding race, sexuality and gender. Now growing up I was taught to respect everyone and I know people make jokes but there comes a point when a bitch needs to understand that what they are saying is on the verge of ignorance. If you’re having an honest discussion about stereotypes then of course go full force but if you make a slick comment to me or if you sound like a little piece of shit that has no knowledge on the subject I will call you out in front of everyone and I will sound like a bitch. Usually I keep my mouth shut because I like hearing people’s stupidity but sometimes its just not cute. People have this vastitude to make statements with such boldness that they think it goes unnoticed. My glib words are for a reason, but if I’m making eye contact with you and you detect that bitch tone then you know I’m serious!

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The DISRESPECT. First lets talk about sexuality since it’s so near and dear to me. Having a very in depth knowledge of sexuality in many aspects regarding psychology/spirituality etc, I find it hard to have a conversation with one who dares speak like they know the shit they talk about. I have bitches try and make sly jokes about gays and referring it to me, please do not confuse my love of dick with me being homosexual. Educate yourself on sexuality, don’t make assumptions that you can’t even back with your convoluted view that you have no true validity to. Just because one person dresses a certain way doesn’t give away there sexuality, it’s not a x+y=Gay. Clothing has nothing to do with attraction to another sex, nor does your voice, nor does your mannerisms! Yes they are seen to go hand in hand but they do not have a direct correlation. I get tired of these damn trollops thinking they can tell someone is gay based on a few things. Stay in your fucking lane. You come from the suburbs with a view based on what you see on the TV, god forbid you ever actually make contact with “A GAY” your whole world would be shattered because it might not fit with what you see. Even if you ask me if so and so is gay I look at these bitches and dismiss them because they came from you.

Beyonce!!

This ties into race as well. Going to a school full of white people is not difficult, they are a different ethnicity, that’s not a problem. But the culture is totally different from where I’m from and to make it worse, many have never had interaction with anyone of deep color (black/latino). So they are either basing things off of the few coloreds they’ve met or what they see in the media. Let’s get things straight here, there is no such thing as a black card, because that means there is validation for a race which makes that entirely racist in itself. I get tired of these niggas thinking that giving out black cards as accreditation for them doing something relating to some coonery they label as “black”. Kool-aid, fried chicken, and any other idiotic stereotype you have doesn’t qualify you as that race. I’ve heard Nigga so much on campus that it’s a bit ridiculous. I usually don’t give a damn if you want to say it, just don’t refer to me as it, however if I’m hearing it repeatedly it gets to be upsetting because the word itself is used by ignoramus who don’t know their own culture. I slip up and use it but usually I’m using it in the real meaning of the word, not just filler. But I’ve heard dudes rap to it while I was in the room and I’m stuck in the bitch like.

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What the fuck am I suppose to do? Join in the minstrel show? I can’t with bitches, I’m officially done. There is so much more I want to say but I can’t even formulate constructive sentences. I sit in my room half the time and then when I’m out in this college I look at everyone like they are the most disrespectable thing to grace the earth. Sometimes I wish people would grow up, be considerate about their words and stop acting like what they do is cute. I know I walk around campus and I’m being judged constantly by the clothing I wear. Yeah my skinny jeans are tight as fuck…but bitch you look like a ham hock wrapped in cloth being served for thanksgiving. And guys judge me to for various reasons that are quite obvious but lets be honest, battle of the words I would slay you. None of these hauxs have a right to judge.

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Let’s just make this easier for myself, I promise to not worry about things. But if a bitch gets out of hand and says stuff I don’t like, I’m not sure I can even keep in the problems I’ve been working through. I just know sometimes I just want to murk a hoe because they have the audacity to act like a stupid child. But I know in the end my actions will be judged and I’ll be rewarded for not smashing that bottle against ol dudes skull. tumblr_n3stbiHkDQ1qam8b5o2_250

My Fantasy; Confessions to a friend

I think everyone has that friend they wish they could have romantically. I mean you probably already have had them sexually but if you haven’t then yes you want them inside of you as well. However we have that one friend we find ourselves drawn to but know that the chance of our dreams and desires coming to life is rather slim.

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I have a friend, we’ll call Buddy, who I have had a crush on for quite some time. My attraction to him was sudden, confusing and undeniable. I don’t know what made me tethered to him, but he had something I wanted. Not physically, well kind of physically but really emotionally. Hopefully he’s reading this and hopefully he knows who he is. This is going to sound thirsty…and it is…but I need to get it out.

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Our first meeting was, well normal I would think. I was always weird and there was no getting around the strange habits of me. I figured we would be friends but we hit it off fairly well. And this is where the problem occurs I think. I don’t like when men touch me, there is a reason which I’ll get into in another post, but for some reason when he touched me I wanted more. When I would get sore after working out I wanted him to massage or relentlessly punch the affected area. And he would, sending me into a masochistic wave of pleasure. I would send out those trembling cries of hidden desire while he most likely thought I was a little bitch for not being able to take it.

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Buddy fascinated me, created clutter within my mind because I was wondering why I felt this way about him. I know he knows I have a crush on him to the point I would be his secret side line bitch of he asked. But alas when he found a girlfriend I was happy for him and utterly devastated that this other woman took what I wanted and could never attain. Personally I knew that she would fill his world with all the things I could not do for him without making our brotherhood a strange relationship of slave and master.
He knows the inner workings of me, all the little screws and my kinky desires, he teases me with winks and subliminal suggestions he knows I can’t resist. Toying with my emotions and still living it all…straight boys are the worst.

If he asked me right now to come over, I would. I know I preach how I don’t cross that line with friends, but just this one guy is able to make me throw away all that I believe just for a chance to be with him for a night or even a minute. But in my greatest fantasy I know in the end he’ll be my worst nightmare. The likelihood of us ever showing how much we care for one another in the form of sexual interaction is slim, but even if we do…what will happen afterwards when he wants to stop?

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But the fantasy in my mind of our first time is so sublime. I would rock your world better than your girl you currently have. I know you like pussy and tits but I promise if you just close your eyes and try this it won’t be her you miss. I don’t know why I started writing in poetic form…anyway.

The fantasy between us I have envisioned can’t even be reiterated in words. You think you know what it’s like to have your dick sucked? Yes I know she’s a freak to you but compared to me she’s not even on my level, not even remotely. Do you know what it’s like to cum three times in twenty minutes? I don’t think so. Have you ever had a throat suck all the life out of your cock? If so, point that bitch in my direction. I bet she can’t throw her ass back or clench tight enough to wear moving isn’t even necessary.

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You wouldn’t even have to ask, it is my gift to you. But it’ll never happen, maybe one day you’ll see how much I care for you, how much I would do for you. Sometimes I wonder if we grew up in a world without gender would you be in to me? I wish you would have never touched me, physically and emotionally. I yearn for your touch to this very day. But you’ve found someone who has made you happy, and in my sadness I’m happy for you always.

Now I turned this damn post into a letter of some sort. Maybe it was a way of me trying to tell you how I feel after all these years, because in person you would have me shy and not looking into your eyes. You would be my king to worship if I had you for myself, I would protect you, fight for you, even die for you. You’ve come into my life like an army trying to take control of my kingdom and you’ve succeeded in your domination. And I let you in without hesitation. But even as my king, I’ll never be your Prince…so together we’ll never be royalty.

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So if you’re reading this…just think about the head you could receive. The best you ever had.

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How To: Keep It In Your Throat (Fellatio)

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There is a form of communication called fellatio. Many have tried to speak it but most tend to be ignorant of the form. We all know, well ‘all’ meaning those who aren’t ashamed to partake in such festivities, that it takes great skill to swallow a cock whole. Now I’m only talking about this because someone suggested I do some “how to” posts. And me being somewhat skilled after three years of experience. I think I have some seniority over these vanilla heauxs.

“It’s one thing to put it in your mouth, it’s another thing to get it down your throat” – Good Friend!

It’s not hard to swallow  6 inches but it takes practice. I’ve noticed that many have a gag reflex and it reflects poorly on the art of sucking dick. How dare you say you are good at your job knowing full and well you do not know the tricks of the trade. So I’m here to show you, from the perspective of a man, how to go down to downtown and go to town on those nuts. So I’ll tell you a story first and then give you some hopefully helpful advice.

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So my first time giving head was after I graduated high school. Was I good? Well apparently I had some things to learn due to this being the first piece of meat connected to a body in my mouth. But after the first time it was easy to pick up but I learned that men are all different. I know right, who would have thought men would be different than one another. Anyway, I was hungry after my first one, I promised myself I would never suck dick but after the first taste I came to realize I liked it. And it wasn’t anything to be ashamed of, it was actually quite rewarding. Good head is a skill most don’t have.

So I learned of my skills when I gave head to this security officer of one of the prisons in Minnesota. I was nineteen at the time and he was in his early thirties. He was in his uniform, coming straight from work at 4am, luckily I had the house to myself. We had arranged a nice get together because when I was 19 I was a ho (yes I went through my ho phase rather late and quickly). He came over, shaved head, perfect skin, almost like a young Billy Zane, I was too happy. I brought him upstairs and he laid halfway off the bed and I undid his pants and did everything to get him comfortable. So I left his underwear on, looking out the menacing outline of a possibly 7 inch penis semi-hard. He looked at me, like he was waiting to give me a command or watch the whole process take place. I was intimidated by his leer but oh well, I had to embark on this journey of taming his dragon.

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I gently gnawed on his dick through his underwear, creating that anticipation of desire for him, knowing full and well I was yearning for it as well. Then after a quick tease I pulled down his underwear, which I did want a pair of for myself, his erection shot up like a missile, pointing directly at me like I was wrong for teasing it so much. Gripping the base of his dick, I gently started at the tip, licking it like it was ice cream. Now I watched his face waiting for some kind of notification that he was getting flustered. He confirmed and I slowly wrapped my lips around the head and engulfed the entirety of his penis on one swoop. His tightening and groans were the truth, assuring me that I had done my mission with success. He was cut (circumcised) and it made it easier to not worry about all that extra stuff. I sucked on the head as the focus, making it extremely wet, and then brought it down to the base with no problems and continually stroked him at the same time. Usually I don’t need to stroke because my mouth his fucking vacuum.

So with more pressure, saliva and making his head reach the back of my throat, he came instantly, pushing my head down taking it deeper within my mouth and forcing me to swallow…ugh!!! Thank god I didn’t have to taste it. And that was the morning juice. He was very pleased with his services and said he wanted to come back often but I didn’t have the house at 4am like that. So unfortunately that was our first and last meeting. Now throughout the years I have received rave reviews from gays and straights on the head game I play. Of course not everyone is the same, some don’t like certain things and it’s all about learning what are the do’s and don’ts. I think it’s important to know that most females in porn do too much…so please do not take them as a reference.

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So what do you need to do?

Well your man wants to enjoy this experience and you do as well. I know so many women and men who don’t like sucking penis at all and rarely do it unless they feel like they need to. And hopefully your man trims because it’s a horrible feeling to get hair in your mouth and then you have to stop to take it out in the midst of giving a very intimate blow job. So first step is to tell your man to trim the fucking jungle because “we ain’t got time for dat”. Also if your man is fairly small you can do so much with that, he pretty much will me amazed by anything you do because it’s so tiny however it’s not enjoyable for me…because like damn I’m sucking on a baby carrot for Buddha sake. However if he’s a large be very happy you have a lot to deal with.2417447

  1. Tease it: You should play with the penis before you actually put in your mouth. Anticipation makes everything so much hotter and can make the erection harder and the orgasm ten times better. Some guys are closeted freaks and like to have their shaft slightly bit, not like you’re about to eat a hot dog, but how animals play in the wild. Others like to have their balls cradled and scrotum pushed against (this is one way to stimulate the male g-spot).
  2. Don’t be afraid to be sloppy: The best head is wet head! You don’t want to be Mary Poppins in this bitch and have everything all neat and tidy. You better work for that cum, because his reaction is the pay off. Slobbering on it and making it extremely lubricated helps you slide up and down the pole easier as well as give your hands some time to stimulate it as well.
  3. Stick to what you know: Many try and do different things in such a little amount of time. Don’t go all over the place and try this and that but I’m definitely not saying continually do the same thing. Find a nice middle ground. When I was sucking straight engineer guy he was trying all sorts of different things. I sucked it with his legs up, me on my knees, having it point straight forwards and up.
  4. Focus: The sensitive area is the head for majority of men. However others like their shaft stimulated more too. But you want to be able to do both and know that you’re main objective is to give pleasure to the other party. I find with sucking on the head a lot and then taking the entire penis inside my mouth can cause ecstasy.
  5. Eye Contact: Don’t stare into his eyes, unless he likes that kind of thing. A nice glance up to see his reaction is really all you need. Because I don’t think you guys know that when we’re sucking dick and they are looking down, we look slightly scary and furious. However if you have a rough one he might want to grab your hair and tell you to look at him. Do what is comfortable for you but I always say experiment.
  6. Technique: If you can make a man come with just your mouth and not your hands AND have him enjoy it then you definitely have some skill and should be a tribute for the Head Games. Don’t be afraid to grab the shaft tightly, not like a vice grip, and jack it off as you suck on his balls. BALLS ARE SCARY. Sometimes they want to be touched and sometimes you need to leave them alone. Going back to Eye contact, just pay attention to his reaction.
  7. Cut and Uncut…how to Suck: Sucking Uncut dick is fairly different in my experience. I have had men who want to have their skin covering the head of their penis while others pull it back. But honestly uncut penis is scary looking because it’s foreign. However uncut is a lot more sensitive and should be treated as such. Sucking the head vigorously will get the job done.
  8. Deep Throating: The tool for all cock suckers. You must know how to do this in order to call yourself a fellatio master. You must be able to swallow a full erect penis without gagging. It takes practice but it can be done for some people. I notice that taking it from the side instead of head on is a lot easier. I think it’s the position of the penis in itself. If your man has a curved cock, praise GOD. If it’s a missile, well work around it and find the best angle to get it fully in. And once it’s in constrict your throat around and listen to his moans tell you that you’re amazing.
  9. You have the power…he’s in your mouth, you control when he cums…so make sure you abuse this power to the max. He will ejaculate when you want him to, not the other way around.

My babies…that’s all I have to teach you for now. I do actual tutorials in person, but I doubt we’ll ever meet. So I give this advice with all the three years of professionalism I have. Go out into the world and learn your own techniques. Fly, fly away!!!

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Friendships With Men: Am I a Sex Toy…?

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I know it has been awhile since I’ve posted, I hate not updating on the inner workings of my life but I find that sometimes I need to seclude myself within the world I’ve constructed for my sanity. They say everyday is a struggle and it takes time. So over the past few weeks there has been tons of fun I’ve been apart of. Conspiracy theories regarding myself, sexual curiosities, magic spells I did months ago finally activating and possibly being the cause for everything that has transpired. But what do I want to focus on? Oh yes being used for any stick or hole you have.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been realizing the sexual energy in me fluxing to the point that I’m oozing it over to my friends. Hormones have over powered me to the point that I’ve needed to release my, tension, constantly. But a few things starting from the beginning of last week has ignited an unquenchable incubus. I wanted everything that walked in front of me, even though I was only talking about men to my friends, women have entered my mind, but my appetite craves meat a lot more.

I don’t know what it is about boys and me but we don’t have the best of relationships. I honestly would love a bromance, which I have, but one with a bro that’s a lot more sexually open but know’s we won’t step over that fine line of friendship. Kind of like Rihanna and Shakira in this video…except with more clothes.

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On one hand they say they enjoy my company but on the other hand they use me for their own gain. I’m not stupid, I’ve known for a long time that they are using me for whatever foul game they think they can trick me into. I’m not tricked into anything, I do everything I want to do based on my own agenda. Much like Victoria from Twilight, my power is self-preservation, I’ll do what I need in order to survive. I’ve had a lot of straight male friends as well as gay ones who have become my friend based on the three reasons.

1. They actually think I’m cool (rare)

2. They want to use me for their personal gain (ie sex, girls etc)

3. They think I’m a clown and can try to humiliate me.

Now based on the first reason, I’ve found maybe 10 male friends, heterosexual, who are actually my friends. And their friendship has made me grow, somewhat. But I love the relationship we have and they don’t have to worry about me making a move, on purpose, or looking at them in a sexual way because when I have friends I don’t like anything to infect that relationship.

But the second reason is why I’m writing this blog post. Now this is nothing new to me, it’s happened throughout the years of me growing up, that boys invited me over to their house for reasons other than sleeping over. Now at the time I was a bit too young to even be sexually charged but I knew that the wrestling was a bit more touchy feely than it was suppose to be, and me being on all fours was not how I had planned my night. It might be seen as curious innocence, which all young adults should go through in order to fully understand themselves, I personally hate it.

Even in high school I was the center of sexual humiliation, now that was more joking than anything, but because of my sexuality and the assumed role I was supposed to take in this new found passion, I would be treated as such. Men get off on submission, feminine energy to dominate and being worshiped. So ladies if you want to capture most men than you have to submit to him but don’t be foolish and let him have your power. And then there are some men who like to be dominated…me…and others who love to be told what to do, get spit on and other things. But that’s neither here nor there. 

Then coming into my college years and having friends back home and in college, all of which will not be given any nicknames, have shown me that I’m either just exuding extreme sexual energy or that they think me being a sexually open male gives them the chance to think they can receive sexual favors for little to no charge. I mean if one of my friends asks for a blowjob I would think about it, long and hard, and I’m talking about close personal friends! Then some of my not so close friends surprise me with the saying, “I would fuck your mouth…” and my response is…tumblr_mlj3dojA0a1qja3x0o1_400

Luckily none of my friends, well ones that I hang with on a regular basis, are on the level of being hot to the point of me dropping to my knees if they asked for some kind of blow job. Personally I hate crossing that line but when my succubus nature takes control I need to consume something. However a friend I chat with occasionally could definitely get some head, if they’re cute enough. Ughhh football player!

THE STORY

Last night I had sex after a dry spell, well this time I was the receiving party, and it was the straight boy from before who had no consideration for me however this time it was totally different. He was slightly buzzed and a lot more talkative then he usually would be. Our relationship is; Come in, lay down, take your pants of, let me do the work. But this time it was entirely different. He came in with a smile and we made idle chit chat about drinking and the weather. I massaged him and teased him through his pants, feeling the growing outline of his growing member and watching his eyes peer at my hands, anxiously awaiting me to get to work. So I did, undoing his pants, unzipping his fly and his dick immediately sprung up like a soldier saluting! I have to say his dick is beautiful, it’s big and just hard as FUCK!! I hate the way most penises look but this one is nice.

Anyway he was enjoying me playing with his head and dragging it across my lips, which were looking hella plump that day, and I was getting it wetter than a water park. He positioned himself along the bed and took off all his clothes and I was fully dressed. This time I was looking up at him, he got a haircut, and his eyes look mesmerized. I got it wet enough to where I could jack him off and recollect some energy after having a furious sucking like that. I bit him along his inner thigh and with my other hand dragged my nails across his abdomen, he has a nice baseball body for an engineer. Yes he is an ENGINEER, finally after all this time of hooking up I finally learned his profession. But anyway, I made conversation, trying to make this dick last for another twenty minutes because usually he came quick. I asked him if he was still single, trying to make sure I wasn’t homewrecking as usual, and he said he was. He mentioned continuously that his ex took a long time to actually get into it. But the biggest compliment was him telling me that I was the best he had! I got shy and didn’t believe him but he assured me that I knew what to do and that me enjoying it made it even hotter.

From there I sucked it some more and then he asked me to ride it like usual. Now with this boy I wore my jockstrap just to give the outline of my ass because I could tell he wasn’t too much into the dick, and he said reverse cowboy. So I had the condom and lube ready to go…he grabbed the Magnum brand…he was a LARGE, lord knows I wasn’t ready. But I sat down on it, after a struggle he finally managed to get it in and I did my best to ride it. But then after that he started making it seem like I was in a goddamn bouncy castle! I was jumping everywhere, silhouette of my body plastered against the window and my slight moaning was putting me at risk of creating a show for everyone. After that he took control and forced me against the bed and just drove it home, I’m grabbing his back and then he had me halfway off the bed and I was just not prepared for this Attack on my Titan. It was a damn wrestling match.

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I needed a break after 2o minutes and I started giving him a lovely massage on his nuts and sucking his dick again, than he was lifting his legs up and kept notifying me that I was amazing. But he wasn’t cumming!! I was tired! He said he wouldn’t be able to cum tonight because he was already slightly drunk. He had good whisky dick from his POV but for me I wanted the money shot. So I sucked him for ten more minutes as promised, then I told him his time was up, he looked sad…so I did it again. Then I stopped so he could leave, but as he put on his jeans I grabbed his dick and sucked it again and he was harder than ever.

But after him not cumming we talked for awhile. I asked him, “so will you be here again next week?” and he replied “Yeah I wish I could come back every other night, I don’t get to do much. Having a fuck toy like you is great.” So my face was smiling but inside I was throwing major side eye.tumblr_mxlnrehJq01sm3z2xo1_500 (1)

He compared me to a lifeless, sexual tool. And then I think about what I’m doing to myself. I’m letting him come over, fuck and have no attachments at all. If he was gay I would be happy because then I can reel him in and have a nice engineer boyfriend, but that’s not happening. Then I respond with, “oh so I’m your little slut? Is that it?” and he replied with such boldness “yeah because I know you enjoy it” and rubs his jean covered dick across my mouth…then leaves. I was stunned…disrespected and so turned on that I needed more of it.

I love sex, when I want it. I am not a sex toy, a mere tool to be used by another person for their rocks. To them I am but in actuality they give me the ego boost I need. They compliment me on my blow job skills, they love how tight my ass is and in all that flurry of ecstasy, I suck all of the life from them. They become infected with my curse of sexual desire and wish to have it more and more, but that’s only if I want them to. So I am NOT a sex toy, because I’m in control of my feelings. Instead I’m an incubus/succubus, who feeds of the weak lust of men. I feel if you are a person who has been taken advantage of sexually, you take that power back the next time it happens. They feed you, not the other way around. Make them crave your services instead of you wishing they had you. That’s the life of a succubus, not a sex toy.

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So Today: I Wasn’t On TOP!

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I fucked up…Now my years resolution, one of them at least, was to be on top during sex. And no I don’t mean reverse cowboy even though essentially I was tonight. But being on top means I am the giver instead of the receiver. But that didn’t go how I planned tonight, and I’m slightly ashamed of myself…and like many who know the stories of Sophomore year the term “no lube” will become greatly apparent.

Now my affinity for white boys is not a secret, but I’m not going to go into details on that just yet, however when a white boy asks for a blow job, it’s hard to say no. It’s easy to say “no” if I don’t know them, but if we’ve been talking for awhile and I feel comfortable then my mouth can be of service if I feel the need to boast about my oral prowess. And also because since I’m black but not black enough to be seen as intimidating, whatever odd sexual fantasy they have can be fulfilled.

Anyway on Friday I was contacted by a college boy we’ll call Wis. I met him, after a year of talking finally, last semester. Now he messaged me asking me if I was interested in meeting him. Now he had no face pictures, everything was body, mainly the side view. He had a baseball build, had the perfect V cut but initially I thought he was one of those fake profiles. So I asked to see a face pic because I didn’t want to ever make sexual contact with a busted looking bitch, however when he sent me one he had the face of the boy next door. Dark hair, brown eyes and a genuine smile all on top of a body he clearly kept in shape. Now after interviewing him the first time I had learned he had a girlfriend that didn’t suck his dick good. Now I DID NOT know he was in a relationship, yet alone know he was straight. I don’t do committed people but I do like straight boys, not ugly ones.

So when he came over tonight, after my drunken phase of voodoo juice and tequila, I thought some sex would be appropriate. Now it would be day 12 of not having sex at all and all I was planning was a decent blow job. So I bring him back to my room, he sits on the bed like he was king of the house and just sits back and watches the tv…now pet peeve number one is that you don’t act like I’m a servant. Essentially I am giving him a service of the utmost importance but I expect some gratuity in actions of smiles, strokes on my neck or something of such. But instead I had to go about and unzip his pants and tease his dick through his underwear. I noticed he trimmed…THANK YAHWEH! So I pull it out and as bad as I wanted to get it I wanted him to feed it to me. But with no luck I was here going through the motions. I got it wet, did all the tricks of the trade that I learned in the four years of being sexually active. So as I was engulfing his penis I could feel the pulsations flare throughout his shaft and his thighs constantly stiffened. But I wasn’t expecting to pass his lips “Do you want to try and sit on it?”

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Now let me tell you, it is not small, thin or limp. It’s fully erect at at least 7in. I was already growing a tired mouth and I didn’t know if I could handle all of that in a small crevice of my body when I didn’t have any lube.

I was at a crossroads, I knew the power of the ass was going to make him bust but I needed to stick to my resolution of the year. But when I asked him “do you want me to?” he nodded with that horned up grin like he’s been waiting for it all day and I’m stuck in my mind like…”How can I deny a boy looking at me like he’s about to beat it up!”

So I caved and he pulled out a condom and I’m thinking…this straight boy better know what he’s doing because I have no lube and I cannot afford to be having rug burn! So he straps it on, I reverse cowboy that shit and do the ancient art of lubrication with my own saliva. He didn’t assist me what so ever! These straight boys seem to forget that the ass does’t moisten like a vagina does, I mean it some cases it can but I was not even aroused in the slightest. He didn’t make out with me, he didn’t rub me or play in my hair. Like goddamn! He did give me compliments on my skills but that’s not enough. Anyway so I try my best to sit on it slowly and the first thing I hear is “Oh god you’re going to make me cum…”. I wasn’t even fully on it nor had I been on it longer than 2 minutes. So I rode him and then finally he grabs my ass which slightly got me horny but my ass hurt too damn much and I had to take a break. So make a long story short I sucked him for another ten to fifteen minutes and he was about to blow and I he blew in my mouth…did not swallow!! He clearly has the diet of a teenage boy who denies any kind of fruit or vegetable.

He loved every second of it and here I am upset that I wasn’t even turned on. And now I’m sad that I’ve even fallen back into the shit I didn’t want to be apart of it. I’m more upset that I didn’t stick to my rule instead of just having sex, we all have needs and I am not going to deny myself of such things. But in my quest for find something more meaningful my first step is sticking to the goals I have for myself and then in turn going for what I need in a man or whatever I want at the time. But I why is it so hard to find a straight boy that wants to have a relationship on the low low. I just want a boy who is going to let me suck him up, take me to the movies, go play video games and he can pretend he doesn’t know me at all outside of all of that. Now I’m lying through my teeth, however I don’t mind being a secret but I’ll never find any boys like this…well German was like this…tumblr_mg4arpPgq01rc5lyjo4_250

And my reaction when I saw him step to my doorstep was…

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What I’m trying to get at is that I broke my resolution and I’m not just going to quit because it didn’t go my way. I’m gonna continually try and change myself. Just because we do meet expectations as quick as we want doesn’t mean we should stop working towards them. If that’s the case then we would be in a whole worse situation in our world than we are now. One day I will find what I’m supposed to have, this little slip up may have been slightly entertaining and a let down, but it’s not the decider in the future of 2014. I’m learning more and more that even though I don’t receive my wishes doesn’t mean they won’t come at some point. But one thing did come out of this experience…he wasn’t ready for the ass smh.

Spank Me and Call Me a Whore: Freaky Sex

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As much as we want to deny that we want people to know we’re having sex and we’re good at it, we continually deny that we would ever do something so risky and scandalous. Now that’s not to say you’re a vanilla bitch with no swirl, but you certainly need to own up to the freaky side you have within you.

I was young when I realized I was a freak, nothing weird like getting beaten until I was bruised or indulging in Belgian chocolate (look it up if you don’t what that is).  I know personally that I do like a nice spanking here and there but one thing that really turned me on was engaging in sexual acts that would more or less to offensive to most society. Now of course I have my morals and would never do anything where there are children or elderly, or at a funeral…even though I’ve had sex in church, but that’ll be explained later.

In search of my freaky side I encountered the first man that would show me how much of nasty bitch I really was. Now I was raised in a household that was extremely private about many things, we didn’t talk much about sex, religion or anything that would be classified as a conversation starter. And from this lack of experience I went into high school with little to no knowledge of sex even though I was writing sex stories since the 6th grade. But reaching the 9th grade proved to me that I was going to learn so much about sex from these inner city kids. And once I graduated high school I knew what was what and considered myself a sex expert however in the summer before my sophomore year I met an Arab man. I had heard rumors about Arabian men being dominate, aggressive and abusive in bed. Something within me made me quiver, I had to cross my legs every time I talked to him. He spoke so sweetly and I was astonished how intelligent he was. The more and more I talked to him on the way to his house I noticed he liked boys slender, physically weaker and submissive. Now I was just recently learning to fill the freaky shoes that were already fitted for me, but  I wasn’t prepared for what would happen in the next few minutes after reaching his house.

So as we entered I noticed it was quite dirty, he said his roommates had a party yesterday and didn’t clean up…that was points off. However he looked clean and smelled good so I let it pass. He led me to his bedroom like I was an innocent lamb headed for the slaughter. He was smiling sweetly, almost sinister, but I was a little nervous. As I stood in his room, waiting for the signature “hold me close” grapple, he suddenly pushed me upon the bed, with more force than I had ever had by anyone in sex or in general. He climbed on top of me and held my chin and started gently slapping me repeatedly saying “you want this daddy dick?”. At this moment I was slightly turned off because I didn’t like to call anyone daddy, it was very incestuous and I also hated my father…I knew this wasn’t going to work out. But then he gently began choking me, repeatedly asking me if I wanted it and I couldn’t deny that I nodded. He told me I needed to reply in a fashion that was generally spoken by most subservient bitches. I said “yes sir” and he immediately brought his fully clothed erection to my face requesting that I worship it through his pants. Worship??? I didn’t even know what the hell that mean, I didn’t even worship Jesus so how the hell was I suppose to worship an erect penis? But quickly I learned that worship meant becoming a bitch to the belief that his cock was the most beautiful thing on earth and that I was supposed to serve it without question. And he brought my head forward to his crotch and rubbed my lips against the bulge.

So things progressed and he took of his shirt, he was like Conan with more hair and I felt the need to be the bitch he asked for. Now he hopped off of me and immediately ripped off my pants, no assistance required, I felt naked as fuck! I mean not that “oh he took of my clothes I’m so shy” nervous but the “Oh my gosh he’s about to rape me” nervous. Now as I tried back away he grabbed my ankles and pulled me closer spreading them apart. The next request was just so…so demeaning that I didn’t know how to react. He asked me to finger myself…my heart was racing and I do not understand why. I did it for him, and then he spit on me…like I was a common thief that just had stolen bread from the market in Turkey. And at that moment I was horny, everything that was shocking to me began to lose traces of weirdness and became a norm.

 

I was pulled off the bed, forced to me knees and he slapped his dick against my lips like I was Sasha Grey. Now I never let anyone slap me with their dick, I felt it was dehumanizing. But here I felt like the slave that wanted to be punished. He made me gag on his penis, thank god deep throating was natural to me, but tears did come to my eyes. Anyway he put on a condom and fucked me doggy style on the edge of the bed and I have never been so forcefully entered and used like I was damn sex doll. He told me to dance on his dick and oddly I did a fucking dance routine on it, twerking, whining and grinding like I was doing dance hall on this bitch. After he used  my ass up he took off the condom, told me to open me mouth, and he PULLED my hair!! He pulled my fucking hair, how dare you!!! Like no one pulls my hair, but I loved it. And this was the one instance where he came in my mouth and told me swallow…now I know I’ve already stated that I do not swallow, but he said to swallow and I obeyed…it was just instinctual.

After all that, we finished and he was his nice self again. There was no domineering voice, no sexual glare, just a nice school teacher from Kuwait. And the whole car ride I sat in shock, mostly from what I had experienced. This man had raped me and I liked it, I wanted to say no to so many things and yet I couldn’t push out the clamor of denying his dominance. And after his encounter every other man that came to me had to be on the same level as him or worse. I became a sex demon, sucking the life out of my victims and I thought what I was doing was natural. But with most of the men I encountered they said I was a freak…the title I wanted, however I was bothered. Why? What I considered normal was kinky to other people. It brought me to self-reflect on what about me made me this way. Why did I like this? What made me so submissive?

I came to the conclusion that every human being has a side of freak within them, it’s the animal in all of us. Animals don’t go to a secluded place and mate, they fuck where they want to. And since we are part of the animal world, we naturally get into that. But that’s another post for another time. So back to focusing on the freaky side of sex, which I call normal. I want to give advice to all those common missionary positioned whores, your man will get tired of that and find someone else who can fulfill his sexual desires, that’s why most men cheat. And guys, women will find men that can satisfy the pussy cat that wan’ts to be tamed. So how did I come to accepting that I was a freak and not caring about what others around me thought about my sexual activity? Let’s dive in.

Most deny their inner freak because of societal judgement and internal judgement. Some people don’t know how far the rabbit hole goes and don’t want to end up somewhere the most people won’t go. I learned that denying my sexual curiosities will leave me filling the void with useless things such as being in relationships that I truly don’t want to partake in or continually have sex with bitches I don’t care about. But steps I’ve taken and I think others should be aware of, have helped me flourish as a human in search of myself sexually and personally.

1.) Find out what turns you on. If you find out what gets you off you can easily fulfill your needs by searching for people with similar feelings and they can please you as you see fit. Many girls say they aren’t turned on by many things, don’t believe in that lie. That’s the inner freak hiding itself, they know what gets them off and just want a man or woman to find it. Turn on’s aren’t necessarily what get’s you off sexually, like getting bit or having your clit rubbed or sucking on the head of the cock. Turn on’s are less physical. Some men like heels on women, some women like a man who says no and makes her work for it, some guys (mainly gay) like tube socks worn by jocks…I don’t know why and everything from riding roller coasters or listening to music. There are many turn ons. Music is a turn on for me, I think it has to do with frequencies and vibrations but that’s just me.

2.) Experiment with Sex. At some point sex can grow boring if we repeatedly do the same thing. The feeling of cumming feels great but cumming doesn’t mean orgasm. I cum all the time but rarely orgasm. So find out more about what else you like during sex, it’s almost the same as turn-ons however different. Try different positions that you’ve never done, try a sex swing or being blind folded.  Or putting on a song with a catch beat and fucking to the music (that’s a workout). Kama Sutra, food play…there is so much to do. Maybe even bring in another person.

3.) Don’t Limit Yourself. We often speak that we will never try a certain thing because it’s so disgusting or debasing blah blah blah. Personally I try everything, almost everything within reason, once! Now I would never let a nasty bitch defecate on me or in my mouth, because that’s giardia, other parasites and crap like that just waiting to happen, or have some slash my back open with knives. These are painful and extremely out of the norm (that’s just nasty), but I don’t judge if you like that. Just don’t talk to me. But everything else from swallowing semen, getting spit on or pissing on someone, being whipped and spanked with a paddle, giving head in public or fucking in a local bathroom, putting a remote vibrator in while your partner controls the intensity is all reasonable to try once. Even bending your sexuality of course. You never know what you like until you try it. I never thought I’d like a man with a vagina…and I surprisingly loved the idea…

After having sex with people and experiencing different aspects of myself within the sexual realm I gradually learned to accept myself in this way and thus accepted the other parts that didn’t have to do with sex. I learned that my potential is limitless and that I can no longer tell myself what I am until I’ve tried out that which I am not. I am an extremely sexual person, even as much as I want to hide that sexual fiend within me I steadily am pushed into conversations that run on the topic of technique and experiences. This has further brought me to the idea of sex being more natural and should be expressed. Instead of hiding it and becoming the bashful people we are and putting secrecy on it we shouldn’t be afraid to say what we’ve done and what we like. Of course it’s understandable that privacy is important to everyone and sharing your own desires can seem like you’re positioning yourself in a vulnerable place, but there is nothing wrong with being vulnerable, that I’ve slowly learned.

Story Time: Finding Sexuality Through Sex [Part 1]

Well this is pretty erotic, read at your own discretion.

I guess we can all say we have a side to us that’s into the taboo aspects of life. Most have thought about being tied down and gagged while others like to put on a collar and pretend they are a dog in training. I’m not one to judge, when it comes to expressions of the hormones coursing through us. As most say, “different strokes for different folks” and I’m certainly on the spectrum of a different folktale. After finding myself to be sexually appeasing, even if I didn’t full believe, I managed to fall into the next stage of development. As humans living in this modern day society, we’ve come to believe we know ourselves all too well and suspect that our stance will never change. And the notable phrase I hear is “I am (insert whatever word that you actually believe you are)”. I used to have a label for myself, first it was asexual, bisexual, homosexual, pansexual then everything seemed to truly broaden from there. Now am I sex addict? Hell no, they are on a whole other level of sexuality, they just want to fuck anything in plain sight and I’m not here for that! Even though my hormones are similar to a dolphin when a human tries to swim with it.

I was a Sophomore in college at the time when I began realizing that my sexuality was rather fluid and complex. At a young age I believed things couldn’t fit in boxes. It’s like when you’re packing to move and you can’t fit all your Christmas ornaments into it so you put it with the Halloween stuff and so on and so forth. I was coming out of a rough place during that time, something I’ll talk about later in another post, and really needed someone to make me feel like I was needed. I had been used up, not sexually even though I was used in sexual manner, by men who didn’t want anything with me other than the ass of destruction. So on a popular dating site I had made contact with this guy, we’ll call Ron.

Ron was cute, he was definitely a  killer when it came to looks. Bluish green eyes with these long eyelashes that made his eyes look so much more mysterious than innocent. We had talked for a awhile, just average chit chat about what the day was for us and what I was into. By day two we were talking more and it was only a matter time before he brought up sex. I had shown him some naked in the private section of my gallery on the website and when I unlocked them for him he was fascinated…as usual. He continually mentioned that it was perfectly bubbly and grippable. I felt gross every time I received a compliment but I always showed my graditude with a wink. So over a few weeks we talked more and he decided he wanted to meet me, and like a responsible person I told my best friend where I was going, just in case I was mutilated and thrown into a ditch because my luck was shit! And so I met him at the movies. I had only seen a face picture…and I was scared. Why? Well shit when you only see a face pic you’re wondering if they have a slim face and body that looked like Jabba the Hutt from Star Wars. I wasn’t the type to be rude and just automatically turn around if that’s what he looked like, I would have to uphold my commitment.

So I arrived at the movies  and waited…and waited…and waited…until I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning around I saw Ron. He looked like his picture, thank GOD! And as I looked past his neck down, I was mildly surprised that he had a decent body. He was about my height, a little shorter, definitely was toned…his thighs were bigger than mine which made me jealous. He had blonde hair that had grown out into a weird hairstyle like Jack from Tekken. I could live with that. I was just enthused that my eyes weren’t damaged nor my self esteem. So from there we went to the movies. He clearly was a little shy, sitting next to me with his hand in his lap, as was I. What the hell did we go see? Oh yeah, “Now You See Me” which was ironic when we get to the end of the story. So as we sat down and got ten minutes into the story, he finally took my hand and held it. A smile grew on my face, I hated this mushy stuff but I don’t know why I was so happy. And then about thirty minutes into the movie he began massaging my thigh. Being a man I knew where this was going, and I wasn’t going to deny it from happening. Curse this testosterone!! So I spread my legs apart a little as I shifted down in my seat a bit. His hands reached towards my crotch as my growing erection began to meet towards his hand. Now mind you, I wasn’t going to be weak and just automatically touch him. I wasn’t a common whore, I have some kind of class

Anyway so he began tugging on my cock through my pants and I was highly aroused, it had been a few days since I last relieved myself of this man juice, hate that term but I can’t think of anything else less disgusting…and poetic. What I didn’t expect was him to unzip my fly, whip it out and go in for a blowjob. I looked around the theater, there were five other people in here, I was nervous because I couldn’t be banned from this mall however I could stop him. He was decent at his dick sucking, nothing like me but he could be trained. He never made me cum though, we just kissed and finished the movie. And YES I kissed him after he sucked my dick, it’s MY dick I know where I’ve been so get over it you bum ass bitch. As a side note, that pisses me off for both sexes. If you get yourself some nice head then you should kiss the person because they did you a fucking favor, half the time your shit isn’t even shaved or trim and then you expect a bitch to go down and smell that musky stench and be okay with it. How dare you bitch? Back to the story.

So we went back to his place, I didn’t want to give it up but I was horny as ever. I usually have a rule about first date sex, and the rule is if you are sexy as fuck and you treated me nicely then we can definitely fuck, but most of the time that doesn’t happen. He gave me a drink, I was a minor, oh well, and we sat on the couch and talked a little bit. I remember asking him “Are you going to show me what you’re going to be fucking me with?” he was surprised by my boldness but he looked really nervous. I hope he wasn’t one of those boys who had never done anything with a guy at the age of 25 and decided now was the time, because I didn’t have time to teach in one session. He took my glass and put it on the table and forced himself on top of me, kissing me harder than I had ever had before. I wasn’t use to this kind of forcefulness. But I was okay with it because he wrapped his fingers around my throat like he was about to strangle me and fuck my corpse. Was I fearful? For a moment, but I remember I don’t die so easily. He took off my pants, caressing my legs and kissed them gently right where I tickled at. I giggled like a lil bitch, yeah so what? but I could tell he liked it. And then once again he began taking me into his mouth, I don’t know why at this moment he was better at sucking, maybe because I was extremely horny or it was because he was in a better position. Then out of the blue my legs were lifted up and I clenched by ass cheeks like I was holding in water for dear life. I hated anyone going back there with anything on their face, analingus was something new I had to come into, there was something sexy and weird about it.

I decided to take charge and I manuevered my way out of his hold and stood up walking towards his bedroom, thank god the door was open to wear I could tell that was a bedroom. As I walked seductively away, edging him to follow he got up like he was getting ready to tear me apart, and I was here for it! So I got into his bed room and laid on his bed. He was eager to get in but I quickly stopped him with me feet and pushing him back. “Strip for me”, I asked him.

This time he was confident enough to take his clothes off, once he removed his shirt I saw his defined biceps but his pecs were different from what I usually expected. There were small scars underneath them, but they weren’t anything major. I loved scars. He undid his belt slowly, my heart hastened  and he dropped his pants wearing tweety bird boxers. He wasn’t even hard! Like what the fuck! there was no tent, now cock bulge, no camel hump…nothing! I was pissed…maybe I was unattractive to him and he was trying to just please me or maybe he was going to gang bang me…I was paranoid. He came to me on the bed, and we made out while he was on top of me. I loved grabbing a guys ass when he was over me, surprisingly his was extremely thick, it was like bigger than mine and I was astonished. As I moved to crotch I searched for what I was waiting for…and found…something I wasn’t really looking for. I touched nothing, well I didn’t touch a cock, I touched a vagina…and very arousing, swollen vagina. I backed my lips away and looked at him, getting lost in his eyes again. Something in me said you shouldn’t stop that’s rude, but another said you know you want to still fuck. And I did just that. I rubbed his, and it’s odd just saying his, clit and I could hear his breathing hasten, I guess this was the right way. I ate him out, he loved it. I fucked him…and I stayed hard and I loved it. And then he fucked me…and we both loved it.

From here I realized my sexuality wasn’t bound to men,well males at least. I like men, but I didn’t mind a vagina, I actually enjoyed it. Confusion is the only word to describe myself at this moment and pride took over as well. He was sexy guy with a vagina…that was something to put in the books. And to this day I love men that were women so much more than an actual man.