It’s been some time since I’ve blogged and that seedy neglectful bitch inside of me still remains but this fire I have now is really going to drive me to become something more than what I see of myself now. And that’s a good thing for once. I went through my Black Swan period, bitch. It was tiring and now I’m ready to get it poppin. [also this all unedited, stream of consciousness and I don’t care enough to go back and correct anything. I’m getting paid NOTHING for this].
My new year didn’t start with you guys, it didn’t even start with China, but it’ll start around the end of February. Tsagaan Sar is the Mongolian new year and while China loved to be the big brother to most of Asia Tsagan Saar and Losar followed suit, but not entirely. Tibet and Mongolia are on the same solilunar fest, the shamanism survived and let their new year still be somewhat different. But that’s a bigger topic that I’m not getting into.
New year will start around the 26th of Feb this year and it’s interesting that Cock will be the year for 2017. With the leaving of daddy dick from the grand house, a minuscule dick just entered the arena. A dick so sad, that maybe circumcision would have been best. But he’s there now, we don’t have to like, or accept it or play along anymore. We’ve let so much happen and we were okay with it before, because we were comfortable living in lies and shadows, and for what? Our ‘stability’, our peace of mind? We were jokes. Those who actively did something, you’re off the hook and I commend you because you tried to change the world when they repeatedly denied your help. But now they want it, because they see how much they fucked up. They don’t realize, quite yet, that they alone can fix it. By coming together or destroying one another is needed for that transition to occur.
2016 was an exhausting, nauseating regretful fuck for a year. Filled with meme glory to uplift our hearts but the sources of the comedy came from tiring and truly tragic circumstances for our species and even our world. I’m not going to get political because I don’t like it nor understand it. I just know they’re stupid as fuck and full of sociopaths.
But enough, I’m done talking about shit that you’re not here for. You’re reading this because you want to know why I believe this new year will be a new me.
And how I’ll actually stick to it. A lot can happen in a year but nothing happens if you actively avoid change. 2016 was a darker period, anxiety, a transition around February honestly happened and that same transition occurred last weekend. My Tumblr will go into the specifics of the magickal experience but here I’ll simply say that I encountered an energy that was foreboding, cold, tricky, sexual and very much ready to take my life…and the best part was that it was inside me.
However all this anxiety, paranoia and uncertainty dissipated when I awoke. Now whether the experience dislodged it or I’ve treated it and it’s transformed into something else is still the research I need to do, but for now I’ll say it’s gone and I feel more like my old self. That’s not to say that those phobias aren’t there. Nothing truly leaves and nothing is miraculous. Residual effects remain but it’s up to you to heal that and stamp out the trash. Anyone who knows me should know me.
Feeling beautiful and actually seeing beauty on myself and in myself was time consuming and it made me avoid looking in the mirror or the camera. And while I still hate looking into these things I see something a bit different. I’ve accepted a lot of what I see and proceeding forward will position me to accept more that is headed my way. Even though 2017 is gearing up to be fucking stupid and crazy, I feel positive, I feel okay. I trust that people will feel this energy I feel in order to fight ‘that which chains’.
My promises to myself…
- Continually hone your craft, bitch
I AM an artist. For awhile I had a hard time saying that because I didn’t believe it and I thought it sounded pretentious. But with new understanding of myself and just life in general, I KNOW I’m an artist. Whether I’m a good one is all subjective. But I feel that neglect of that inner soul, dark or light, has weighed on my creativity. But now I’m feeling like it’s coming back. And honing my craft is more than just practicing in the dark and behind closed doors, it’s about showing drops of it here and there among the popuras. This is what I’ll aspire too.
- Build your body, hoe.
My body is TRASH, honestly. I look at myself and see a 15-year-old boy…just with a lot of hair. And while I understand that aesthetic is desirable, I do not want that or the clientele that brings it along. Now how do you build your body. Well getting back into Martial Arts will be a great first step. I used to be limber, splits came so easy and I miss that. Dancing alone or at workshops are a needed must in order to encounter different styles and energies. What do you want for your body? Looking in the mirror and being proud of what I see is the only thing. And I’m proud about things I work for. I don’t want to be buff as fuck or anything. No muscles on muscles. Just a body that says I control my movements. A body that says I’m untamed. A body that can only be seen when I take off my clothes. But building the body is more than just working it out. Understanding it and communicating is important. Knowing when I’m truly hungry or deficient. Knowing when I can let go of my physical shell and enter a spiritual one. That’s what I truly desire.
- Explore your Gender, cunt.
I’ve actively denied my masculinity because it’s honestly tied to my father. Who I view as a deadbeat. But I thank him for allowing me to experience what I have to be who I am. But still that masculine energy inside of me was noticing how despised it was and warped my vision to see only a skewed view. And this ties into the magixk experience I had, but that’s on tumblr in more depth. Exploring my Gender will allow me to express my spirituality. And while I am left with heavy symbolism from most of my journeys I know that the joy of symbolic imagery is where I thrive in reality…so why not in the fade. You’re probably wondering why sensuality is tied to these divine genderings, well because that’s where the energy comes from. Feminine and masculine make up our beings, some house more than another while others are equals of both. Regardless of your makeup, learning to express that and live in it with acceptance and positivity, graduates you to higher consciousness of the self. I call it forth in its entirety.
- Practice your Magix, fuck.
This entire world of the occult has been with me since I was 7. And while I’ve never formally studied, I retain the knowledge and connect it to whatever I can in order to utilize it in my waking life. My new place of employment has allowed me to explore more and also experience things I don’t think I would have on my own. Being surrounded by this spirituality almost daily opens up your Eye more than usual. There is a throbbing, light-headedness sometimes when speaking about magical studies or just being around other people of a similar background. I don’t know what that is but it’s good to feel. I am a bitch that dives into as many traditions as possible and for that I’m also just scattered. I cannot sit and pay attention. However learning to do that will help in bringing up concentration. My Magix is my own, but learning other ways to better transform myself help in becoming stronger and more aware. Sex is important to me and it’s honestly the only means of communication when I don’t know how to express myself with another person. I like to fuck and make love, two different things. Practicing sex magick, becoming more attuned with my own subtle energies as well as provoking others will be a task. Learning to be confident in my own skills of practical magic is key. But trusting myself to have fun is something that has to be worked on. I get very serious about things I enjoy. Cutting lose and riding is definitely a skill. Riding dick as well. I will give up the sobriety.
- Be Open to yourself, love.
Childhood wasn’t easy. As much love as I received, I didn’t see much of continuity of my parents. My grandmother was and is the one who raised me. But even then I was neglected by those who created me. There is no blame in me anymore, I can’t hold onto things that are lost in the past and I don’t want them residing in me any longer. More repair has to be done and think that starts with me saying ‘I love you’. When I look in the mirror I want to say I love you and accept you for who you are. And while I’m opening up I want to accept all that I find within. Whether that be darkness or light, it’s all apart of me. And once I’m open to myself I can be more of who I am on the inside with others. I will still hold back, trust and believe me. Not everyone gets to have me for who I am, but I do want everyone to know who I am and choose to accept that or not. And being open to myself allows me to truly accept that I won’t be accepted by everyone and everything. Which takes the weight of expectations off my head and embraces the joy of journey and chaos. Emotions are something I distance myself from but I enjoy emotions, they make me feel a certain way but for the most part I won’t reveal my emotions to others, but I do want them to know that they are there. And if that means I need to pop off on a bitch, so be it. It’s okay to be a sly thee.
Among the other things I’ll be doing is avoiding mirrors consistently. I can only diligently look in the mirror once a day to check and see who I am that day. After that I will trust what others see.
Speaking ill of no one unknown. But I will drag a silly fuck that wants to try to be an asshole.
Pray and attune myself daily and nightly. Sticking to ritual and meditation.
Choosing to be loving and affectionate inside and outside.
Be a GOOD friend to those that consider you a friend.
Adventure and do things unusual for you.
Try not to troll as often.