It’s approaching 2016 and that means the end of another year is upon us. In just the past few months towards the end of the year, I’ve been experiencing personal growth in ways I never expected. If it wasn’t experimentation with drugs or expanding platonic relationships then it was growth spiritually and mentally all on my own without substance assistance. My spirituality is rather complicated since it incorporates different faiths that are connected to my ancestral background.
But I say that because as I’ve been writing my senior thesis for college graduation, I’ve been really diving into the aspects of light and darkness from my spiritual standpoint. I’ve talked about darkness before but now I’m at a place where I can confidently say what darkness is and why I ascended into a higher state of this black void.
As a child I was full of light and love, always smiling and doing the childish things of believing in the goodness of the world. But at a young age I knew heartache, I understood pain and the evils of the world. Those experiences forced me to grow up emotionally very quickly, although it wasn’t entirely healthy I was mature. Renouncing Christianity and most organized religions, renouncing the social constructs of society and denying the rules set forth by people I began to embrace a side of myself I had always felt was there. I called it darkness.
Now when you hear darkness, you probably automatically think of fear, pain, evil…in reality darkness isn’t that all. My darkness began blossoming in the middle of my high school career when I learned about my sexuality, my spirituality and power of energy manipulation. I didn’t have a focus, I had no guide to show me how to expand on this or even how to feel about it. I was lost for awhile even though I seemed like I was so put together.
So how did you further explore your darkness?
Well after exploring dimensions that honestly scared the shit out of me, I began accepting the worlds I was taken to. One of the worlds I was taken to happened when I still had the ability to astral project.
I remember sleeping in my bed and feeling the violent thrashing within myself, like I was being thrown down a trash shoot. A rushing clamored in my ears, almost like I stood under a waterfall raining on me. My body was stuck, it couldn’t move, I could only notice the world around me, my room. I wanted to escape but I couldn’t. But in realizing I had the power I was immediately shot into the air, soaring through the sky into a higher dimension. There were lights and planets surrounding me. It looked like my solar system but there was something different about it, almost frightening.
There was a vortex, slow moving, almost like a black hole, it was swallowing nothing but I knew it would snatch whatever grew close to it. I drifted closer, my heart raced…I didn’t want to go any closer, I didn’t know where I was going. So in my fear I immediately woke up. This happened many times. I would get taken to this place every now and then but every time I was there, I would back out of traveling through this vortex.
I had been taken to other places, other states of existence and loved those realities. But I couldn’t seem to pull myself to go through the unknown, that blackness that was just so immense. It was seductive, titillating but devouring and intimidating.
However one day I realized I couldn’t be hurt, at least that’s what I thought. The courage was false, I wasn’t daring myself to go in there, I just allowed it to happen. So the next time I would be lifted off to this realm I would allow myself to be pulled into that world.
One night I was pulled towards the mouth of the darkness, it was larger than any space I had actually been in. It almost created a dome around me, like it was closing itself off and only allowing me to enter. And anyone else traveling with me wasn’t allowed in.
The beginning of the vortex was horrifying. I saw creatures that I couldn’t describe effectively. I was dragged through quickly, creatures grabbing me and taunting me. I traveled faster, flying through without control and the deeper I went into the vortex the less intense it became. Then there was a point I stopped moving, or at least that’s what it felt like. I could walk, move around and make those choices of exploration.
The darkness wasn’t scary anymore, it was just dark. There was nothing scaring me, nothing pulling at me, it was just the way it was. I learned in that journey that darkness was just that which we don’t understand. It was a simple concept but it hit really hard. There was a linking almost, like I had found the source of my power or the reason I lived. I didn’t understand completely where I was but I knew I’d be back at this place or something would call out to me.
So in the waking world I began to express myself in ways I normally wouldn’t. Ways that would make me noticeable only because it wasn’t common. I wasn’t trying to be extravagant, I didn’t want to be seen, I just was who I wanted to be. And immediately that difference was seen, and those who noticed it a little more intimately only saw me as an interesting interaction.
I was able to draw people in. Some would say it’s your personality, it’s your style but most don’t know I received that from darkness. Everything you see about me is a result of learning about the darkness inside of me and what is beyond that I can’t physically see.
And I find it so funny when I think about it, because it’s like it poked at me, almost like it knew where I should be but it never told me where to go. The darkness watched me, waiting for me to find it, instead of it telling me to come to it.
I’m still confused on what your darkness is. Are you like a villain?
I’m an anti-hero if we’re going to get all archetypal. I personally believe a human being should express themselves the way they see fit. Sometimes I won’t agree with a persons choice but that’s not my issue until it actually begins to become an issue. However my darkness is carnal, it’s alluring, it’s knowing when to be a bitch and not apologize. It’s understanding that the world around you is in control of itself and you have to respect the decisions it makes. It’s knowing that life isn’t easy and there are people who won’t make it easier. It’s being selfish, it’s being honest and sometimes cold. But the deeper into my darkness I went, the realization of understanding what else incorporated darkness began to flourish.
Darkness wasn’t just about being your primal self, it was also about helping other’s in the way that darkness does best. Secrecy. Darkness hides things, you can never actually tell what is in the dark and sometimes you see things that you’ve made up with the lack of the light to help you. Darkness, when it assists, can be so selfless, because darkness want’s you to find the truth, it just doesn’t reveal it to you. Darkness makes you work to understand.
I’ve helped a lot of my friends grow and reach parts of themselves they would have taken too long to experience and maybe too late. I manipulated the energies around me to help others. Was it wrong of me to muddle in their lives? Sometimes. Darkness however can see into people and draw them out into their true selves.
That’s why I’m glad I found my darkness.
‘Ascension’ means that you’ve learned new things and are allowed access to something higher. What have you learned about the power of darkness? what can you do?
At an early age I was always spiritual, even when I was indoctrinated into Christianity. I was projecting at age seven, I could see shadows, I heard voices, dreams were extremely lucid and it was all very normal for me. I think having that level of control readied me for this exploration. I had little tools to assist in my growth.
But what I did learn about my darkness? I learned that I can see into people, in ways that go just beyond first impressions. It’s like I can feel them, their feelings and intentions. It’s like I picked apart their brain to see how and why they function. Reading people always has been a skill of mine but it’s grown, expanding into territories of sensing power within other people. I can immediately tell when someone has a spirit that I’m hungry to connect with.
And that’s another thing about darkness, it’s always hungry to understand and know more. Because darkness likes to be mysterious and you can be mysterious when you already know so much about yourself and things around you. But one thing darkness hungers is sex…
Sex is a big deal for me, it’s a very expressive form of communication. I can learn a lot about a person through the sexuality they embody. How your body reacts to my touch tells me how connected we are. And your sex tells me how powerful your spirit is. Even though it’s mainly men, I won’t discriminate. Sex doesn’t need to be this romantic gesture all the time, sometimes it’s just a way of telling someone I respect you and accept you as you are, I’m just here to make you feel good and express my feelings for you.
Just this semester I’ve been growing in my sexual prowess. I’ve been attracting people that I want and exploring different realms with those people. They were more so surprised in themselves than I was surprised in them. One thing about reading them is that I could see potential for lots of things. And sexually awakening was one of them.
So what have you learned overall? Are you ready for 2016?
I learned that I don’t need to be afraid of what’s ahead, I just need to take the steps to assure I won’t get lost. Darkness is savage, it’s uncontrollable and dangerous if you don’t keep it in check. You have people who are dark and people who embrace darkness. I’ve learned to be carefree and worry not about what I can’t control.
I’ve learned that marijuana is fucking amazing. I got high very often. LSD is powerful, it can tap you into dimensions that can expand your abilities even further. I’ve learned I can make strong connections with other people and love them in my own way without sacrificing who I am. The end of 2015 has been a ride, full of experiences to grow from and recollect. I’m hoping that the experience grows and my power is allowed to expand.