I’ve been doing a horrible job at keeping up this blog but I’m back to post some more ridiculous stuff and some helpful tips at the same time. Today though, I’m here to discuss my relationship status: SINGLE. And what I want to talk about is why I’m still single. No, it’s not because I’m a picky bitch. No, it’s not because I’m crazy as fuck [although that’s not a bad idea]. It’s because a relationship is just not possible with my way of life or my belief system. So many wonder how someone as beautiful as me is still single. Yes, I’ve been called beautiful, shocker, but more importantly they think someone like me would ever adhere to another person. I’m here like “bitch, I’m single because I can be, why are you in a relationship?”. I don’t understand why people put so much emphasis on their relationship life as if they are actually creating something amazing. You’re doing what your ancestors did just so you could be breathing today. It’s nothing special, it’s nothing different.
Aside from all my faults I see relationships differently. Some days I feel them to be boring, predictable, saving grace, enjoyable, everlasting, fleeting and tons of other words. But most people look at a relationship and think of two things, “I want to be happy [in love] with another person. And I want to have a family”. This is definitely not me. So let’s just make this clear to why I don’t see myself ever being in a relationship.
1. I don’t believe in couples. This is something I feel strongly about. The idea of being with just one person for an extended amount of time sends shivers down my spine, and not the good kind. Let’s say I’m with a person for six months and I possibly meet someone else, a friendly acquaintance and it blossoms into some kind of friendship. It just so happens in this amount of time of a friendship I begin having romantic feelings for them. Now I don’t act on my feelings or express them because rejection feels awful but more importantly if this person doesn’t feel the same way I don’t want to ruin the relationship, so I keep it to myself. However I learn from them that they actually have feelings for me, this sends me into a conundrum. I have to ask myself all sorts of questions; am I just in lust with this person, am I horny, do I just want to fulfill this idea of being with them, or do I actually feel a connection to them on the level of wanting to be with them?
So then it becomes messy. Here I am with one person, who I probably deeply care for, but then here I am feeling the same way towards this other person. I find myself wanting two people to be with, romantically. However I HAVE to choose between one or the other and that within itself is what I hate. I have to make a choice between two things I greatly have a connection to. It’s as if I’m going to deny myself the possibilities to have happiness. In fact I am denying happiness.
So here I am pissed. Thinking to myself, I’m stuck with this person and I’m not that grimy bitch who breaks up with someone else because I found something better or at least equally better. Thus I become resentful and end of making the relationship a hell for myself because of the “what could have been” scenario. I guess my problem is that I like having different experiences and if I’m with one person…then I only get to experience one way of life, which gets boring…very quickly. Which leads me to my second reason…
2. I will get BORED. Boredom is a fear of most people I would think. No one wants to be stuck at their desk, electronically filing all day and feeling like they could be doing more, however I know some people are okay with being boring, that’s their life. For me, I can’t be bored! I always need to do something new and so that’s what scares me about a relationship. If I become tied down, I’ll be stuck doing with what they’re comfortable doing. In the beginning it’s fun because I’m learning about them but what if they don’t surprise me, what if I know who they are to the point I can predict their moves…I become bitter and I might as well just lay in bed.
But boredom doesn’t have to stem from them doing the same thing, but it can also come from them not wanting to try something new. I am a sex fiend, I like to try different things sexually and if I can’t enjoy myself or try something new with them then I’m going to feel restricted within the relationship. “Oh why don’t you talk and work something out then?” is what they always say…well I can try that…but what if they don’t want to try it again, then here I am stuck thinking…so I’m not getting what I want. I am a self-sacrificial kind of person, I’ll get out of my comfort zone or take a risk to make someone happy unless I don’t trust myself in a particular situation. Then it makes my eyes look elsewhere. Roaming eyes are dangerous, they can lead you down roads that end up to dangerous and sometimes amazing places. But if I made the commitment to ONE person I couldn’t break that promise. However I will become unhappy in the relationship and will continue being bored. Thus leading me to my third reason…
3. Relationships become games. When I get bored in a relationship I begin to play games. I see life as a game, it’s full of levels, enemies, and companions. This thought process makes life seem like I actually win something at the end. And while we play this game, others are joining in, sending waves of enemies our way or helping us along. But in a relationship, games are dangerous. It can rip the the relationship apart. However if I’m bored I might as well end it right there, because there is no chance you’ll make me excited. So I play the games in the hopes you’ll play them with me and spark life back into me. These games consist of jealousy and teasing. I’ll get ready to go to the club without you and enjoy time with my friends and then I’ll tell you all about it. I’ll tell you about who hit on me, possibly who I danced with and then numbers I got. And then to make it worse, I’ll tell you I have a lunch date with the person I just met. Even though I know it’s strictly a friendship kind of thing, I hope you get angry and take it out on me and get me excited and rough me up. At least that will keep me interested. But if you’re not the jealous type then I don’t know what I’ll do next. I might have to break it off if I get extremely bored.
4. Privacy is a must. I like being alone… a lot. I enjoy having my time to myself and like a cat I will socialize when I want and come from under the couch when I feel like it. However most relationships have this needy aspect in them that make the couple seem like they need to be together all of the damn time. I mean shit that’s nice for maybe an hour or two, but after that I need a break…a long one until I feel like I’ve recharged. I can’t have someone all over me, cuddling me, hugging me, kissing me and just violating my space. I begin to get annoyed…I want them to leave and when they don’t that side of me comes out that wants me to push them away to the point they get mad and leave completely. Usually I won’t care they left, because they shouldn’t have been so needy.
5. I’m a succubus. I like sex…when I want it, give it. It’s that simple. But also a part of me likes taking and taking to the point you’ll run out of what I want. So I tend to get rid of GOOD men because I don’t want to ruin them. There have been five men in my life that have been really good to me and I appreciate them so much for dealing with me and loving me…but I knew that I would drain the life out of them, they were too nice to me and that niceness would have been exploited. I didn’t want my darkness to taint them so I slowly pushed them away for their own sake. If I was to be in a monogamous relationship, I need a bad boy. One that’s gonna fill me with uncontrollable emotions. I want to feel out of control of the relationship, I need to feel like my power is being taken and he has to enjoy it…
Those are the reasons why I’m not in relationship. They are simple to me and understandable. But if I WAS to be in a relationship then something would need to be understood. These are the things that would have to be in place IF I’m ever to be in a relationship…a relationship that works for me…
1. I am not yours, you’re not mine. In sex maybe the dirty talk will sound like this but overall we do not belong to one another. We are not each others property, we are not branded. We love each other but don’t control one another, we let the other enjoy their lives as much as possible. But since we’re in a relationship we do need to be protecting one another from the world. That means there would have to be rules about having sex with other people, relationships with other people and that’s mainly it. But also after we end the relationship, we remain friends, because true love means that we can be together even though we don’t want to be with one another sexually or intimately. That’s a true friendship, that’s true love.
2. We need to be able to compliment one another.
I believe in relationships today there is always one person that carries the other person. When you think of the relationship you always think of that one person instead of the other. This kind of relationship to me means that one person isn’t memorable and more importantly, unimportant. If I’m in a relationship I want us to be an inseparable idea. Not a Bennifer, Kimye or combination of names. I want us to become something new together. We work to build each other and make the best of us emerge.
We need to not only be able to talk but have new broad discussions about what’s going on in the world around us. Even though I like to be in control majority of the time I don’t think me being in control is the best. I don’t think anyone should be in control. We should be working together and be in sync. Knowing what the other is thinking and jumping off what the other is saying and having this symbiotic relationship with each other.
3. We have to have similarities but still be different. You sometimes find relationships where the people are entirely alike and it’s kind of scary and then you have some where the people are entirely different and somehow they are together when it looks like they shouldn’t be. But the relationship I want is where we clearly are different. Whether that be in style, mannerisms, beliefs, etc. But somehow when we’re together we work off one another and it’s like we should be in the same scene. So I guess it goes back to complimenting each other. I don’t want us to have the same beliefs in things, whether you like chocolate and I don’t. Abortion Yea or Nay? Or if racism exist [you better have an answer for that one]. But more importantly if we understand one another then we’ll also understand how to treat and care for one another. We won’t sacrifice things for one another, but learn to work and make something to fit for both of us.
4. You won’t be the only person I’ll ever love. If I’m with someone I need them to understand that they can’t be the only love I’ll ever have. That’s ridiculous to think about. Understanding that I can fall in love with another person needs to be on the table, and wanting to be with them as well will have to be discussed. I guess polygamy is a lifestyle I’m okay with living, but it needs to be system between every person involved. I need to be sure the relationship with this other person is going to be real and long lasting and it’s just not a phase. And this other person needs to be able to understand I’m with this other person as well, and we love each other, so you can’t come in and break us apart. I don’t believe in restricting oneself from loving two people, or more if you’re able to handle that much work. But they need to know I’ll always love them, even if it isn’t romantically.
5. This isn’t just a relationship, but a mission. I guess what it boils down to for me is that a relationship is something much more than just me living and eating with another person, making love and having memorable experiences. But it’s about US being on a mission, not only to build one another up but it’s a mission to change to the world. Our relationship has to question, has to work against and build up the world around us. I’m tired of people thinking that monogamy is the only way and that it’s the best way. I’m tired of people thinking they need another person to make them happy and that they can’t be alone. I guess the relationship I have is to show people a different way of life and make an impact. I want people to question our relationship and figure out what it is. Our relationship has to not only have a purpose for us but has to make a statement to everyone else. It’s a mission to help. We need to look like we are a team, not just a couple. We need to look like we have a purpose and others want to be apart of it.
Everything has to have a purpose to me. I’m practical and I believe everything has it’s place and if it’s not in it’s place, it needs to be put there. I’m single because I choose to be. I believe a relationship is difficult and strenuous. It’s not fun. It’s time consuming to where it becomes wasteful. I’m single because I don’t like to be tied down [well not all the time], I don’t like feeling obligated to another person and having to worry about another persons emotions because of my actions. I don’t enjoy having to sacrifice parts of myself in order to make someone else happy. So I’m going to stay single until I find a person I can fall in love with…and they can understand who I am. But who knows, I might not be like this ten years from now. I might turn into the average person and feel like I want to be in love with ONE person. I’m not in a relationship because if it’s not love, it’s nothing to be wasting time with.