Another Trip

Disclaimer: Will not edit, stream of consciousness.

I enjoy tripping alone, it helps me express myself without needing to worry about others around me. It allows me to explore myself in the comfort of my solitude. I decided on the fly to just go for it, take a risk on seeing what I experience without mentally prepping and I’ll gratefully say I was met with much more exploration than I could have imagined. I didn’t care about the visuals, which were to intense to keep my eyes open by the way. So I decided to keep them closed.

Calling upon my egun, Yemoja, Bastet, Nehebukatet, Kuan Yin and my inner self, I was met with my voice. Whether or not it was ego, it revealed to me how much pain I hold inside. There was more distance from my inner child than I cared to realize in my waking life.

It started with me sitting at my altar. Putting citrine pieces around the white candle I adorned with vanvan oil to unblock anything that would restrict me from obtaining more knowledge on myself. I ate the sacred mushrooms and drank the lemon juice allowing the effects  to course through me in about ten minutes. Humming “Om krim kalikaye nama” so that I would enter the head space of clarity and remove the maya that would have me struggle against myself. Many times before I feared that I would need an anchor, because I feel I would slip into insanity and lose myself…but I did slip into insanity and I needed that.

The rush of energy began to build from my stomach, I tossed and turned, thinking I was going to sleep but I couldn’t. Sleeping was a way of escaping from my reality, it was a way of denying that my depression and fear controlled my life. And those emotions emerged, focusing on why I viewed myself as ugly, undesirable, dark and disgusting. The inner child spoke, or maybe it was my shadow side, regardless of the voice it was a session of me communing with myself and pointing things out.

I realized I felt restricted, as if closed and unwilling to move. Where did that stem from? Where did I begin this stagnation? I said my grandmother. As much as I love her I know she is the reason why I prevent myself from expressing myself because I’m full of shame of who I am. Only wanting my nana to be proud of me I deny the aspects of myself I express to everyone but not to her. My voice said I close myself off from the ones Icare about and those that care about me. That maybe I should instead express my love, because I am love. Regardless of how I feel I’m not a good person the child reminded me that I am, or maybe I am the child and the shadow was telling me. It was all confusing to say the least. Dipping into levels of consciousness by myself was intense. There was a moment I opened my eyes and saw the Seth Rogen looking at me (I have a 40yr old Virgin poster) he was bending in and out, my room was shimmering, full of energy and even then I closed my eyes, afraid of looking out into the world.

Reminded again that I needed to keep my eyes open, to be not afraid of looking at things and actually seeing it for the beauty it is. In order for me to feel beautiful I shouldn’t look at things so ugly and destructive. The world around me is full of denial, frustration and anger and I judge it harshly, deservingly. But in order to truly change the world I have to use the love inside me, to push growth out into everyone else. My child said

“You’re beautiful, you’re a beautiful person because you want to share love. You expect so much of yourself because you want perfection knowing you’ll never be perfect. Instead you should accept the love you feel from people around you, those that truly reveal their love with their actions. And express to them that you truly care, prove to them you love them so they never doubt how you actually feel. You are the water, gentle and life giving. You create with beauty and wish to spread your waters across the globe to prove that everyone is beautiful, even when they express themselves as monsters. Because you know monsters exist in the waters of the deep.”

I question myself because of the darkness inside me. I wonder constantly how something so dark lies inside me, but I accepted that I shouldn’t deny that part of myself. That darkness is my sexuality and the child of the waters enjoys the darkness. Because it makes choices to travel into the deep of the sea. As the child spoke about loving yourself and that I am beautiful, it tread into the idea of my darkness…it said that I deny my sexuality, deny how much of sexual being I truly am. Not in that I am a ravenous beast, hungry to fuck but that I am a child of the divine. Divinity feels sexual. Euphoric. And as I am a mix of the dark and the bright, those energies intermingle and make me who I am.

My legs feel weak, my butt feels loose but the energy flowed through them and instinctually I hiked my ass in the air almost praying to be mounted. The child spoke again,

“You are a trickster, it’s okay to be confused about who you are. Because this world is marketplace, you get to decided who you want to be and how to react to the world around you. Do you want to be a tiger or a gazelle. Prey or predator. You have the option to choose who you want to be. You are the true fool masquerading as the devil that becomes an empress. You are sex, you are love. You are ferocious, you are a bitch, a queen or king. Do not apologize for who you are in the moment but don’t deny that you still have to grow. You’re so young even though you feel old, old soul you are. Remember how you used to walk, how you used to step with intention. Remember your glare that made others bow to your grace. remember how you moved yourself. Move again. Be the water you truly are. Earth has been holding you back, keeping you stuck, let the waters push and create rivers. Remember your voice, don’t hide what your tone truly sounds like. Don’t deny that you love to laugh with others, not at them. Restrict nothing from your lips unless necessary. And most importantly, remind everyone with your beauty that they are beautiful just like you.”

I came down from the trip and watched Grace and Frankie and laughed for no reason. The shroom revealed how much I had restricted myself. Of course it was more in depth than I’m writing but from the bit I remember it impacted me to the point that I know I have to get up and move. To transform the world in a way that you see as prosperous and forgiving. I am light and love and I am dark and deadly. I have to remind myself that I get to choose in this marketplace.

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New Year, New Me, Again. 2017 Ed.

It’s been some time since I’ve blogged and that seedy neglectful bitch inside of me still remains but this fire I have now is really going to drive me to become something more than what I see of myself now. And that’s a good thing for once. I went through my Black Swan period, bitch. It was tiring and now I’m ready to get it poppin. [also this all unedited, stream of consciousness and I don’t care enough to go back and correct anything. I’m getting paid NOTHING for this].

My new year didn’t start with you guys, it didn’t even start with China, but it’ll start around the end of February. Tsagaan Sar is the Mongolian new year and while China loved to be the big brother to most of Asia Tsagan Saar and Losar followed suit, but not entirely. Tibet and Mongolia are on the same solilunar fest, the shamanism survived and let their new year still be somewhat different. But that’s a bigger topic that I’m not getting into.

New year will start around the 26th of Feb this year and it’s interesting that Cock will be the year for 2017. With the leaving of daddy dick from the grand house, a minuscule dick just entered the arena. A dick so sad, that maybe circumcision would have been best. But he’s there now, we don’t have to like, or accept it or play along anymore. We’ve let so much happen and we were okay with it before, because we were comfortable living in lies and shadows, and for what? Our ‘stability’, our peace of mind? We were jokes. Those who actively did something, you’re off the hook and I commend you because you tried to change the world when they repeatedly denied your help. But now they want it, because they see how much they fucked up. They don’t realize, quite yet, that they alone can fix it. By coming together or destroying one another is needed for that transition to occur.

2016 was an exhausting, nauseating regretful fuck for a year. Filled with meme glory to uplift our hearts but the sources of the comedy came from tiring and truly tragic circumstances for our species and even our world. I’m not going to get political because I don’t like it nor understand it. I just know they’re stupid as fuck and full of sociopaths.

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But enough, I’m done talking about shit that you’re not here for. You’re reading this because you want to know why I believe this new year will be a new me.
And how I’ll actually stick to it. A lot can happen in a year but nothing happens if you actively avoid change. 2016 was a darker period, anxiety, a transition around February honestly happened and that same transition occurred last weekend. My Tumblr will go into the specifics of the magickal experience but here I’ll simply say that I encountered an energy that was foreboding, cold, tricky, sexual and very much ready to take my life…and the best part was that it was inside me.

However all this anxiety, paranoia and uncertainty dissipated when I awoke. Now whether the experience dislodged it or I’ve treated it and it’s transformed into something else is still the research I need to do, but for now I’ll say it’s gone and I feel more like my old self. That’s not to say that those phobias aren’t there. Nothing truly leaves and nothing is miraculous. Residual effects remain but it’s up to you to heal that and stamp out the trash. Anyone who knows me should know me.

Feeling beautiful and actually seeing beauty on myself and in myself was time consuming and it made me avoid looking in the mirror or the camera. And while I still hate looking into these things I see something a bit different. I’ve accepted a lot of what I see and proceeding forward will position me to accept more that is headed my way. Even though 2017 is gearing up to be fucking stupid and crazy, I feel positive, I feel okay. I trust that people will feel this energy I feel in order to fight ‘that which chains’.

My promises to myself…

  • Continually hone your craft, bitch

I AM an artist. For awhile I had a hard time saying that because I didn’t believe it and I thought it sounded pretentious. But with new understanding of myself and just life in general, I KNOW I’m an artist. Whether I’m a good one is all subjective. But I feel that neglect of that inner soul, dark or light, has weighed on my creativity. But now I’m feeling like it’s coming back. And honing my craft is more than just practicing in the dark and behind closed doors, it’s about showing drops of it here and there among the popuras. This is what I’ll aspire too.

  • Build your body, hoe.

My body is TRASH, honestly. I look at myself and see a 15-year-old boy…just with a lot of hair. And while I understand that aesthetic is desirable, I do not want that or the clientele that brings it along. Now how do you build your body. Well getting back into Martial Arts will be a great first step. I used to be limber, splits came so easy and I miss that. Dancing alone or at workshops are a needed must in order to encounter different styles and energies. What do you want for your body? Looking in the mirror and being proud of what I see is the only thing. And I’m proud about things I work for. I don’t want to be buff as fuck or anything. No muscles on muscles. Just a body that says I control my movements. A body that says I’m untamed. A body that can only be seen when I take off my clothes. But building the body is more than just working it out. Understanding it and communicating is important. Knowing when I’m truly hungry or deficient. Knowing when I can let go of my physical shell and enter a spiritual one. That’s what I truly desire.

  • Explore your Gender, cunt.

I’ve actively denied my masculinity because it’s honestly tied to my father. Who I view as a deadbeat. But I thank him for allowing me to experience what I have to be who I am. But still that masculine energy inside of me was noticing how despised it was and warped my vision to see only a skewed view. And this ties into the magixk experience I had, but that’s on tumblr in more depth. Exploring my Gender will allow me to express my spirituality. And while I am left with heavy symbolism from most of my journeys I know that the joy of symbolic imagery is where I thrive in reality…so why not in the fade. You’re probably wondering why sensuality is tied to these divine genderings, well because that’s where the energy comes from. Feminine and masculine make up our beings, some house more than another while others are equals of both. Regardless of your makeup, learning to express that and live in it with acceptance and positivity, graduates you to higher consciousness of the self. I call it forth in its entirety.

  • Practice your Magix, fuck.

This entire world of the occult has been with me since I was 7. And while I’ve never formally studied, I retain the knowledge and connect it to whatever I can in order to utilize it in my waking life. My new place of employment has allowed me to explore more and also experience things I don’t think I would have on my own. Being surrounded by this spirituality almost daily opens up your Eye more than usual. There is a throbbing, light-headedness sometimes when speaking about magical studies or just being around other people of a similar background. I don’t know what that is but it’s good to feel. I am a bitch that dives into as many traditions as possible and for that I’m also just scattered. I cannot sit and pay attention. However learning to do that will help in bringing up concentration. My Magix is my own, but learning other ways to better transform myself help in becoming stronger and more aware. Sex is important to me and it’s honestly the only means of communication when I don’t know how to express myself with another person. I like to fuck and make love, two different things. Practicing sex magick, becoming more attuned with my own subtle energies as well as provoking others will be a task. Learning to be confident in my own skills of practical magic is key. But trusting myself to have fun is something that has to be worked on. I get very serious about things I enjoy. Cutting lose and riding is definitely a skill. Riding dick as well. I will give up the sobriety.

  • Be Open to yourself, love.

Childhood wasn’t easy. As much love as I received, I didn’t see much of continuity of my parents. My grandmother was and is the one who raised me. But even then I was neglected by those who created me. There is no blame in me anymore, I can’t hold onto things that are lost in the past and I don’t want them residing in me any longer. More repair has to be done and think that starts with me saying ‘I love you’. When I look in the mirror I want to say I love you and accept you for who you are. And while I’m opening up I want to accept all that I find within. Whether that be darkness or light, it’s all apart of me. And once I’m open to myself I can be more of who I am on the inside with others. I will still hold back, trust and believe me. Not everyone gets to have me for who I am, but I do want everyone to know who I am and choose to accept that or not. And being open to myself allows me to truly accept that I won’t be accepted by everyone and everything. Which takes the weight of expectations off my head and embraces the joy of journey and chaos. Emotions are something I distance myself from but I enjoy emotions, they make me feel a certain way but for the most part I won’t reveal my emotions to others, but I do want them to know that they are there. And if that means I need to pop off on a bitch, so be it. It’s okay to be a sly thee.

Among the other things I’ll be doing is avoiding mirrors consistently.  I can only diligently look in the mirror once a day to check and see who I am that day. After that I will trust what others see.

Speaking ill of no one unknown. But I will drag a silly fuck that wants to try to be an asshole.

Pray and attune myself daily and nightly. Sticking to ritual and meditation.

Choosing to be loving and affectionate inside and outside.

Be a GOOD friend to those that consider you a friend.

Adventure and do things unusual for you.

Try not to troll as often.

Suck dick.

Eat ass.

Love.

Be.

 

Black Swan vs. Perfect Blue (2010, 1998)

Very informative on the process. In my opinion it was similar but they are both different entities. Scenes of course were stolen but overall both films are in their own lane.

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When Black Swan was released, I’d seen nothing in the way of trailers or promotional material, save for the awesome poster atop this review and precisely one review of the film that liked it well enough. I went to see it, keen to take in Aronofsky’s newest, and by the end of the film, was impressed but completely hooked on one question – had he actually remade Perfect Blue?

Perfect Blue doesn’t follow the exact same plot as Black Swan but there are striking similarities. Both stories feature a troubled protagonist who is put under pressure in a performative career, both have thematic concerns about the fracturing and/or loss of identity, and in both stories, the protagonists’ major spiral is kicked off by a sexual awakening of sorts.

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In Perfect Blue, the protagonist is Mima, a pop-singer now embarking on the beginning of an acting career…

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Wanderers, Purpose, and Esoteric Work in this Time of Transition

Very insightful, it made a lot clear about particular feelings and views I had. Definitely still different from my faith, but still connected.

Piercing the Veil of Reality


A topic that has been coming up recently in a conversation with some friends is the idea of “Wanderers” in relation to esoteric work, the awakening process and the Time of Transition we are in. It is something that has been on my mind for a while and wanted to explore a bit deeper, also reflecting on my own life.

I first came across this subject when I read the Ra material in the 90’s as well as Barbara Marciniak’s “Bringers of the Dawn“. According to Ra, Wanderers are individuals whose souls have incarnated from a higher density (4th or 6th density) into this 3rd density with a specific mission to accomplish in order to assist humanity, helping with The Harvest or Graduation to 4th Density during this Age of Transformation. However, due to the “veil of forgetting” when entering a lower density, the mission/task by the Wanderer…

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Darkness and Light: It’s Not A War

In many tales spanning every age in time there is a battle of forces. Good vs Evil. Light vs Dark. I’ve always found it to be an amazing storytelling device because it never gets old. There is always the classic character who is destined to save the world from the hordes of evil that dare oppose the foundation of “pure goodness”. Then there is the villain who wants to destroy the world for reasons that are usually minuscule or no reason at all.

But as I’ve grown more and began exploring my spirituality I’ve asked myself questions and asked the spirits, the energy, the nature around me the purpose and reason why. Now you’re probably wondering if I’m a Wiccan or something. I’m an Animist, a personal sect that believes in the forces unseen control all things. But that’s for another post. However back to my asking, I received no answer for a long time. Maybe because this was when I was in the beginning stages of my life, where I actually got to make decisions.

So in high school I began exploring my sexuality, as you all know, and more importantly accepting things as it was. I used to walk by myself, listening to the wind even though they spoke no known language, I would sleep in the grass, feeling the energy of this earth beat, and then one day when I began to experience more and more sleep paralysis, everything clicked. This idea of light and dark was convoluted by the stories we are taught today. Even today more and more stories show these two forces in a light that I have believed in.

The human spirit, soul, energy, brain whatever you wish to call it, is a dual entity. It holds the power to be light and dark simultaneously or separately. We look out into the world and see those people that do so much for other people, out of the kindness in their hearts without asking for anything and some people are stunned how someone can be so gracious, so comforting. And then we look to the people who commit atrocities in this world, killing innocent people, wanting to cause drama just for the sheer enjoyment of it all.

Now don’t get me wrong there are factors that come into play why some people do what they do, mental instability/sickness which is the main one I can think. But sometimes there is no reason at all, aside from emotions and just the reason to do it.

Most say that good always wins, that the light prevails over darkness and the sun will always come in the morning. But that’s not entirely true. As much as we would like good to always win, to have the goodness overpower the dominant negative forces we witness or endure, that’s not how life is set up and will never be. Darkness is natural and it’s here to stay. To be totally honest, Darkness is our natural state (in my opinion) unless you are a spirit that doesn’t have that construct of darkness (but that’s another topic as well.

In order to make sense of this I looked at the idea of the human being. Humans have evolved naturally or manipulated (not sure) into who they are today. We come from a line of animals and as we known animals are supposed to be carnal, wild and are naturally survivalist. I would think all living creatures want to survive [but I wouldn’t know]. The spirit we are is housed within the human body, we power this complex brain and the brain works with us and we it. However the human body is not without it’s flaws. It’s a cage that keeps us within the reality of this physical plane. The eyes only see what it’s programmed to, so are the ears and other numerous senses. Luckily we as the spirit can sometimes feel more or see beyond, but it’s only during certain times and some people are more lucky than others. Now I’m not going to get into why we’re here on earth, I’ll try to stay on topic.

I use to think our souls were naturally light and that the body was the true darkness, the animal that’s selfish, territorial and carnal. But I began to think that’s just how the system is set up in our bodies. It has an automatic switch, most times, to protect itself. The human spirit is designed with the feelings, some believe our emotions are just hormones, but that’s up to you to decide. The spirit is just energy and energy can’t be destroyed only transformed or sent somewhere. Energy can be manipulated so it’s only logical to think that energy can become light or dark. Think about yourself. Have you ever been in great spirits and something traumatic switches your whole outlook on life and you’ve become a negative person? Well that’s just a small fraction of what I’m referring to. The experience of this life will move us between light and dark and it’s my belief that we have both aspects of them and not just one.

However I do believe people can have a natural inclination to a side, because like people who tend to favor one parent over the other, darkness and light works the same way.

Star Wars recently spurred it’s head again and the classic duel of the Light Side and the Dark Side are in full swing. But even in that universe I noticed that the Dark Side is vilified, only because the Sith made it so villainous. In reality the dark side is the hostile and radical emotions we feel and it’s expressing them through the force. But the dark side is just as needed as the light. They both need each other to survive, because too much of one thing can cause imbalance.

2015 was a time of havoc. From police brutality, mass shootings, terrorism and overt racism from a man who wears a gerbil on his head, everything has been boiling up because there is a disturbance in our world, an imbalance. While I classify myself as dark, I know that there needs to be balance and sense in the world, and with what’s happening around me, I can’t say I’m happy or excited for the future. Not yet at least.

With all that’s happened, we haven’t reached the apex of this shift in our time. It will get worse before it get’s better. That’s not me being a pessimist, that’s just me being attuned with the waves of energy. I feel something coming, something painful, something noticeable that’ll cause us all to hurt and feel the effects. But once that comes into effect, we’ll be able to heal again and balance will come.

Light and dark shouldn’t be at war, they shouldn’t be trying to stamp each other our of existence. They should be living in tandem with one another, learning to take traits from the other in order to become a force more powerful than the form it currently is. And when we reach that point of time where light and dark can fuse into one energy we will have perfected who we need to be as physical beings on this earth.

Exploring the Darkness [How I Ascended]

It’s approaching 2016 and that means the end of another year is upon us. In just the past few months towards the end of the year, I’ve been experiencing personal growth in ways I never expected. If it wasn’t experimentation with drugs or expanding platonic relationships then it was growth spiritually and mentally all on my own without substance assistance. My spirituality is rather complicated since it incorporates different faiths that are connected to my ancestral background.

But I say that because as I’ve been writing my senior thesis for college graduation, I’ve been really diving into the aspects of light and darkness from my spiritual standpoint. I’ve talked about darkness before but now I’m at a place where I can confidently say what darkness is and why I ascended into a higher state of this black void. ece0e0f834f9609b41f70a90425017b4

As a child I was full of light and love, always smiling and doing the childish things of believing in the goodness of the world. But at a young age I knew heartache, I understood pain and the evils of the world. Those experiences forced me to grow up emotionally very quickly, although it wasn’t entirely healthy I was mature. Renouncing Christianity and most organized religions, renouncing the social constructs of society and denying the rules set forth by people I began to embrace a side of myself I had always felt was there. I called it darkness.

Now when you hear darkness, you probably automatically think of fear, pain, evil…in reality darkness isn’t that all. My darkness began blossoming in the middle of my high school career when I learned about my sexuality, my spirituality and power of energy manipulation. I didn’t have a focus, I had no guide to show me how to expand on this or even how to feel about it. I was lost for awhile even though I seemed like I was so put together.

So how did you further explore your darkness?

Well after exploring dimensions that honestly scared the shit out of me, I began accepting  the worlds I was taken to. One of the worlds I was taken to happened when I still had the ability to astral project. 

I remember sleeping in my bed and feeling the violent thrashing within myself, like I was being thrown down a trash shoot. A rushing clamored  in my ears, almost like I stood under a waterfall raining on me. My body was stuck, it couldn’t move, I could only notice the world around me, my room. I wanted to escape but I couldn’t. But in realizing I had the power I was immediately shot into the air, soaring through the sky into a higher dimension. There were lights and planets surrounding me. It looked like my solar system but there was something different about it, almost frightening.

There was a vortex, slow moving, almost like a black hole, it was swallowing nothing but I knew it would snatch whatever grew close to it. I drifted closer, my heart raced…I didn’t want to go any closer, I didn’t know where I was going. So in my fear I immediately woke up. This happened many times. I would get taken to this place every now and then but every time I was there, I would back out of traveling through this vortex.

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I had been taken to other places, other states of existence and loved those realities. But I couldn’t seem to pull myself to go through the unknown, that blackness that was just so immense. It was seductive, titillating but devouring and intimidating.

However one day I realized I couldn’t be hurt, at least that’s what I thought. The courage was false, I wasn’t daring myself to go in there, I just allowed it to happen. So the next time I would be lifted off to this realm I would allow myself to be pulled into that world.

One night I was pulled towards the mouth of the darkness, it was larger than any space I had actually been in. It almost created a dome around me, like it was closing itself off and only allowing me to enter. And anyone else traveling with me wasn’t allowed in.

The beginning of the vortex was horrifying. I saw creatures that I couldn’t describe effectively. I was dragged through quickly, creatures grabbing me and taunting me. I traveled faster, flying through without control and the deeper I went into the vortex the less intense it became. Then there was a point I stopped moving, or at least that’s what it felt like. I could walk, move around and make those choices of exploration.

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The darkness wasn’t scary anymore, it was just dark. There was nothing scaring me, nothing pulling at me, it was just the way it was. I learned in that journey that darkness was just that which we don’t understand. It was a simple concept but it hit really hard. There was a linking almost, like I had found the source of my power or the reason I lived. I didn’t understand completely where I was but I knew I’d be back at this place or something would call out to me.

So in the waking world I began to express myself in ways I normally wouldn’t. Ways that would make me noticeable only because it wasn’t common. I wasn’t trying to be extravagant, I didn’t want to be seen, I just was who I wanted to be. And immediately that difference was seen, and those who noticed it a little more intimately only saw me as an interesting interaction.

I was able to draw people in. Some would say it’s your personality, it’s your style but most don’t know I received that from darkness. Everything you see about me is a result of learning about the darkness inside of me and what is beyond that I can’t physically see.

And I find it so funny when I think about it, because it’s like it poked at me, almost like it knew where I should be but it never told me where to go. The darkness watched me, waiting for me to find it, instead of it telling me to come to it. Black-Swan-Gifs-black-swan-24363515-500-206

I’m still confused on what your darkness is. Are you like a villain?

I’m an anti-hero if we’re going to get all archetypal. I personally believe a human being should express themselves the way they see fit. Sometimes I won’t agree with a persons choice but that’s not my issue until it actually begins to become an issue. However my darkness is carnal, it’s alluring, it’s knowing when to be a bitch and not apologize. It’s understanding that the world around you is in control of itself and you have to respect the decisions it makes. It’s knowing that life isn’t easy and there are people who won’t make it easier. It’s being selfish, it’s being honest and sometimes cold. But the deeper into my darkness I went, the realization of understanding what else incorporated darkness began to flourish.

Darkness wasn’t just about being your primal self, it was also about helping other’s in the way that darkness does best. Secrecy. Darkness hides things, you can never actually tell what is in the dark and sometimes you see things that you’ve made up with the lack of the light to help you. Darkness, when it assists, can be so selfless, because darkness want’s you to find the truth, it just doesn’t reveal it to you. Darkness makes you work to understand.

I’ve helped a lot of my friends grow and reach parts of themselves they would have taken too long to experience and maybe too late. I manipulated the energies around me to help others. Was it wrong of me to muddle in their lives? Sometimes. Darkness however can see into people and draw them out into their true selves.

That’s why I’m glad I found my darkness.tumblr_nk84yoPgss1t18mdfo1_500

‘Ascension’ means that you’ve learned new things and are allowed access to something higher. What have you learned about the power of darkness? what can you do?

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At an early age I was always spiritual, even when I was indoctrinated into Christianity. I was projecting at age seven, I could see shadows, I heard voices, dreams were extremely lucid and it was all very normal for me. I think having that level of control readied me for this exploration. I had little tools to assist in my growth.

But what I did learn about my darkness? I learned that I can see into people, in ways that go just beyond first impressions. It’s like I can feel them, their feelings and intentions. It’s like I picked apart their brain to see how and why they function. Reading people always has been a skill of mine but it’s grown, expanding into territories of sensing power within other people. I can immediately tell when someone has a spirit that I’m hungry to connect with.

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And that’s another thing about darkness, it’s always hungry to understand and know more. Because darkness likes to be mysterious and you can be mysterious when you already know so much about yourself and things around you. But one thing darkness hungers is sex…

Sex is a big deal for me, it’s a very expressive form of communication. I can learn a lot about a person through the sexuality they embody. How your body reacts to my touch tells me how connected we are. And your sex tells me how powerful your spirit is. Even though it’s mainly men, I won’t discriminate. Sex doesn’t need to be this romantic gesture all the time, sometimes it’s just a way of telling someone I respect you and accept you as you are, I’m just here to make you feel good and express my feelings for you.

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Just this semester I’ve been growing in my sexual prowess. I’ve been attracting people that I want and exploring different realms with those people. They were more so surprised in themselves than I was surprised in them. One thing about reading them is that I could see potential for lots of things. And sexually awakening was one of them.

So what have you learned overall? Are you ready for 2016?

I learned that I don’t need to be afraid of what’s ahead, I just need to take the steps to assure I won’t get lost. Darkness is savage, it’s uncontrollable and dangerous if you don’t keep it in check. You have people who are dark and people who embrace darkness. I’ve learned to be carefree and worry not about what I can’t control.

I’ve learned that marijuana is fucking amazing. I got high very often. LSD is powerful, it can tap you into dimensions that can expand your abilities even further. I’ve learned I can make strong connections with other people and love them in my own way without sacrificing who I am. The end of 2015 has been a ride, full of experiences to grow from and recollect. I’m hoping that the experience grows and my power is allowed to expand.

On the Mayweather Victory and Why It Doesn’t Matter

Very insightful

Jio F. Deslate

Mayweather-Pacquiao

It really wasn’t about the fight’s result in the end. I’m not sour-graping. Neither am I disregarding the decisions of the judges. Floyd Mayweather did win. He outboxed Manny and — save for a few headlocks and an overuse of clinches — he did this fair and square. He will go down in history as an undefeated boxer who locked horns with the best of them. But that’s not really the story we care about. If the two men hung up their gloves this very day Mayweather’s victory would just be a footnote in the inspiring life of a fighter like Manny Pacquiao.

The great thing about boxing is that like any other sport it caters to our basest emotions in a relatively healthy way. It frees our primal side and leads us to be completely honest. I’ve encountered reserved, tactful adults screaming “yeah go kick his ass!” in the…

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Five Reasons I’m Single

I’ve been doing a horrible job at keeping up this blog but I’m back to post some more ridiculous stuff and some helpful tips at the same time. Today though, I’m here to discuss my relationship status: SINGLE. And what I want to talk about is why I’m still single. No, it’s not because I’m a picky bitch. No, it’s not because I’m crazy as fuck [although that’s not a bad idea]. It’s because a relationship is just not possible with my way of life or my belief system. So many wonder how someone as beautiful as me is still single. Yes, I’ve been called beautiful, shocker, but more importantly they think someone like me would ever adhere to another person. I’m here like “bitch, I’m single because I can be, why are you in a relationship?”. I don’t understand why people put so much emphasis on their relationship life as if they are actually creating something amazing. You’re doing what your ancestors did just so you could be breathing today. It’s nothing special, it’s nothing different.

0dd8a890-71c1-0132-1d47-0a2c89e5f2f5  Aside from all my faults I see relationships differently. Some days I feel them to be boring, predictable, saving grace, enjoyable, everlasting, fleeting and tons of other words. But most people look at a relationship and think of two things, “I want to be happy [in love] with another person. And I want to have a family”. This is definitely not me. So let’s just make this clear to why I don’t see myself ever being in a relationship.

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1. I don’t believe in couples. This is something I feel strongly about. The idea of being with just one person for an extended amount of time sends shivers down my spine, and not the good kind. Let’s say I’m with a person for six months and I possibly meet someone else, a friendly acquaintance and it blossoms into some kind of friendship. It just so happens in this amount of time of a friendship I begin having romantic feelings for them. Now I don’t act on my feelings or express them because rejection feels awful but more importantly if this person doesn’t feel the same way I don’t want to ruin the relationship, so I keep it to myself. However I learn from them that they actually have feelings for me, this sends me into a conundrum. I have to ask myself all sorts of questions; am I just in lust with this person, am I horny, do I just want to fulfill this idea of being with them, or do I actually feel a connection to them on the level of wanting to be with them?

So then it becomes messy. Here I am with one person, who I probably deeply care for, but then here I am feeling the same way towards this other person. I find myself wanting two people to be with, romantically. However I HAVE to choose between one or the other and that within itself is what I hate. I have to make a choice between two things I greatly have a connection to. It’s as if I’m going to deny myself the possibilities to have happiness. In fact I am denying happiness.

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So here I am pissed. Thinking to myself, I’m stuck with this person and I’m not that grimy bitch who breaks up with someone else because I found something better or at least equally better. Thus I become resentful and end of making the relationship a hell for myself because of the “what could have been” scenario. I guess my problem is that I like having different experiences and if I’m with one person…then I only get to experience one way of life, which gets boring…very quickly. Which leads me to my second reason…

2. I will get BORED. Boredom is a fear of most people I would think. No one wants to be stuck at their desk, electronically filing all day and feeling like they could be doing more, however I know some people are okay with being boring, that’s their life. For me, I can’t be bored! I always need to do something new and so that’s what scares me about a relationship. If I become tied down, I’ll be stuck doing with what they’re comfortable doing. In the beginning it’s fun because I’m learning about them but what if they don’t surprise me, what if I know who they are to the point I can predict their moves…I become bitter and I might as well just lay in bed.

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But boredom doesn’t have to stem from them doing the same thing, but it can also come from them not wanting to try something new. I am a sex fiend, I like to try different things sexually and if I can’t enjoy myself or try something new with them then I’m going to feel restricted within the relationship. “Oh why don’t you talk and work something out then?” is what they always say…well I can try that…but what if they don’t want to try it again, then here I am stuck thinking…so I’m not getting what I want. I am a self-sacrificial kind of person, I’ll get out of my comfort zone or take a risk to make someone happy unless I don’t trust myself in a particular situation. Then it makes my eyes look elsewhere. Roaming eyes are dangerous, they can lead you down roads that end up to dangerous and sometimes amazing places. But if I made the commitment to ONE person I couldn’t break that promise. However I will become unhappy in the relationship and will continue being bored. Thus leading me to my third reason…

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3. Relationships become games. When I get bored in a relationship I begin to play games. I see life as a game, it’s full of levels, enemies, and companions. This thought process makes life seem like I actually win something at the end. And while we play this game, others are joining in, sending waves of enemies our way or helping us along. But in a relationship, games are dangerous. It can rip the the relationship apart. However if I’m bored I might as well end it right there, because there is no chance you’ll make me excited. So I play the games in the hopes you’ll play them with me and spark life back into me. These games consist of jealousy and teasing. I’ll get ready to go to the club without you and enjoy time with my friends and then I’ll tell you all about it. flawless bitch'I’ll tell you about who hit on me, possibly who I danced with and then numbers I got. And then to make it worse, I’ll tell you I have a lunch date with the person I just met. Even though I know it’s strictly a friendship kind of thing, I hope you get angry and take it out on me and get me excited and rough me up. At least that will keep me interested. But if you’re not the jealous type then I don’t know what I’ll do next. I might have to break it off if I get extremely bored.

4. Privacy is a must. I like being alone… a lot. I enjoy having my time to myself and like a cat I will socialize when I want and come from under the couch when I feel like it. However most relationships have this needy aspect in them that make the couple seem like they need to be together all of the damn time. I mean shit that’s nice for maybe an hour or two, but after that I need a break…a long one until I feel like I’ve recharged. I can’t have someone all over me, cuddling me, hugging me, kissing me and just violating my space. I begin to get annoyed…I want them to leave and when they don’t that side of me comes out that wants me to push them away to the point they get mad and leave completely. Usually I won’t care they left, because they shouldn’t have been so needy. tryme

 5. I’m a succubus. I like sex…when I want it, give it. It’s that simple. But also a part of me likes taking and taking to the point you’ll run out of what I want. So I tend to get rid of GOOD men because I don’t want to ruin them. There have been five men in my life that have been really good to me and I appreciate them so much for dealing with me and loving me…but I knew that I would drain the life out of them, they were too nice to me and that niceness would have been exploited. I didn’t want my darkness to taint them so I slowly pushed them away for their own sake. If I was to be in a monogamous relationship, I need a bad boy. One that’s gonna fill me with uncontrollable emotions. I want to feel out of control of the relationship, I need to feel like my power is being taken and he has to enjoy it…

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Those are the reasons why I’m not in relationship. They are simple to me and understandable. But if I WAS to be in a relationship then something would need to be understood. These are the things that would have to be in place IF I’m ever to be in a relationship…a relationship that works for me…

1. I am not yours, you’re not mine. In sex maybe the dirty talk will sound like this but overall we do not belong to one another. We are not each others property, we are not branded. We love each other but don’t control one another, we let the other enjoy their lives as much as possible. But since we’re in a relationship we do need to be protecting one another from the world. That means there would have to be rules about having sex with other people, relationships with other people and that’s mainly it. But also after we end the relationship, we remain friends, because true love means that we can be together even though we don’t want to be with one another sexually or intimately. That’s a true friendship, that’s true love. tumblr_ndc65r5sCN1tfn6k7o1_400

2. We need to be able to compliment one another.

I believe in relationships today there is always one person that carries the other person. When you think of the relationship you always think of that one person instead of the other. This kind of relationship to me means that one person isn’t memorable and more importantly, unimportant. If I’m in a relationship I want us to be an inseparable idea. Not a Bennifer, Kimye or combination of names. I want us to become something new together. We work to build each other and make the best of us emerge. tumblr_nglbsfxzfX1rb06tgo1_250

We need to not only be able to talk but have new broad discussions about what’s going on in the world around us. Even though I like to be in control majority of the time I don’t think me being in control is the best. I don’t think anyone should be in control. We should be working together and be in sync. Knowing what the other is thinking and jumping off what the other is saying and having this symbiotic relationship with each other.

3. We have to have similarities but still be different. You sometimes find relationships where the people are entirely alike and it’s kind of scary and then you have some where the people are entirely different and somehow they are together when it looks like they shouldn’t be. But the relationship I want is where we clearly are different. Whether that be in style, mannerisms, beliefs, etc. But somehow when we’re together we work off one another and it’s like we should be in the same scene. So I guess it goes back to complimenting each other. I don’t want us to have the same beliefs in things, whether you like chocolate and I don’t. Abortion Yea or Nay? Or if racism exist [you better have an answer for that one]. But more importantly if we understand one another then we’ll also understand how to treat and care for one another. We won’t sacrifice things for one another, but learn to work and make something to fit for both of us.

4. You won’t be the only person I’ll ever love. If I’m with someone I need them to understand that they can’t be the only love I’ll ever have. That’s ridiculous to think about. Understanding that I can fall in love with another person needs to be on the table, and wanting to be with them as well will have to be discussed. I guess polygamy is a lifestyle I’m okay with living, but it needs to be system between every person involved. I need to be sure the relationship with this other person is going to be real and long lasting and it’s just not a phase. And this other person needs to be able to understand I’m with this other person as well, and we love each other, so you can’t come in and break us apart. I don’t believe in restricting oneself from loving two people, or more if you’re able to handle that much work. But they need to know I’ll always love them, even if it isn’t romantically.together4ever

5. This isn’t just a relationship, but a mission. I guess what it boils down to for me is that a relationship is something much more than just me living and eating with another person, making love and having memorable experiences. But it’s about US being on a mission, not only to build one another up but it’s a mission to change to the world. Our relationship has to question, has to work against and build up the world around us. I’m tired of people thinking that monogamy is the only way and that it’s the best way. I’m tired of people thinking they need another person to make them happy and that they can’t be alone. I guess the relationship I have is to show people a different way of life and make an impact. I want people to question our relationship and figure out what it is. Our relationship has to not only have a purpose for us but has to make a statement to everyone else. It’s a mission to help. We need to look like we are a team, not just a couple. We need to look like we have a purpose and others want to be apart of it.

Everything has to have a purpose to me. I’m practical and I believe everything has it’s place and if it’s not in it’s place, it needs to be put there. I’m single because I choose to be. I believe a relationship is difficult and strenuous. It’s not fun. It’s time consuming to where it becomes wasteful. I’m single because I don’t like to be tied down [well not all the time], I don’t like feeling obligated to another person and having to worry about another persons emotions because of my actions. I don’t enjoy having to sacrifice parts of myself in order to make someone else happy. So I’m going to stay single until I find a person I can fall in love with…and they can understand who I am. But who knows, I might not be like this ten years from now. I might turn into the average person and feel like I want to be in love with ONE person. I’m not in a relationship because if it’s not love, it’s nothing to be wasting time with.

An Open Letter to White People With Dreadlocks

SThis post…I’m not entirely sure what to say. It’s an old post and so it really shouldn’t matter but I feel it needs to be an example of how other races can be just as bad as the people that oppress them. I’m all done for cultural pride and fighting against appropriation (serious appropriation) but when you sound like a self-righteous twit you don’t get your message across, nor do you even have validity to the sophomoric message you’re thinking of administering. The fact of the matter is that this poster really had the nerve to think that dreads was an invention of black people. Now mind you she was right when she said black hair can do it much easier but everyone in the world naturally can dread. It’s not a singular event to one culture. And another fact that she made it seem like the free spirited white people are trying their hardest to be Rastafarian is an even bigger insult. If she had the intelligence of a dolphin maybe she could see that Rastafarian are not the originator of this hair style. Like did you not know that every continent and its residing people have had some kind of dreaded style? The post is mean, deluded and more importantly lacks any eloquence. It literally sounds like that sarcastic asshole who says “sorry, not sorry”. One problem I have is when another person brings race into everything and tries to generalize, that’s the biggest pet peeve I’ve had. Jokes are funny, when they are actually funny, but this little letter of a so called concerned black friend is nothing more than an attempt to promote some kind of “you’re not black” agenda.
Really all I want to say is collect your life, you sound petty as fuck. I know this is your opinion and all but don’t try to make it sound like its fact, leave that to someone with education.

Thought Catalog

To Whom it May Concern (WHITE PEOPLE WITH DREADS),

Let me begin by explaining that I am not saying this to be a mean ol’ black hair elitist, I’m saying it to be nice. Think of it as a well-meaning PSA-from someone who really, really cares. Maybe everyone else is too polite to say it, but dreadlocks are not the look for you. I know you thought they would be a great idea after meditating with your giant Bob Marley flag you’ve tacked to your dorm room wall, but they’re not. Dreadlocks are a hairstyle invented by people with coarse, nappy hair (and while we’re on the subject, please don’t EVER use the word “nappy” to describe your hair – it’s an adjective that does not apply. “Curly” or “coarse”, maybe. “Nappy?” Never.) for people with coarse, nappy hair.

Listen – dreads exist because black hair dreads naturally, and because…

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