Disclaimer: Will not edit, stream of consciousness.
I enjoy tripping alone, it helps me express myself without needing to worry about others around me. It allows me to explore myself in the comfort of my solitude. I decided on the fly to just go for it, take a risk on seeing what I experience without mentally prepping and I’ll gratefully say I was met with much more exploration than I could have imagined. I didn’t care about the visuals, which were to intense to keep my eyes open by the way. So I decided to keep them closed.
Calling upon my egun, Yemoja, Bastet, Nehebukatet, Kuan Yin and my inner self, I was met with my voice. Whether or not it was ego, it revealed to me how much pain I hold inside. There was more distance from my inner child than I cared to realize in my waking life.
It started with me sitting at my altar. Putting citrine pieces around the white candle I adorned with vanvan oil to unblock anything that would restrict me from obtaining more knowledge on myself. I ate the sacred mushrooms and drank the lemon juice allowing the effects to course through me in about ten minutes. Humming “Om krim kalikaye nama” so that I would enter the head space of clarity and remove the maya that would have me struggle against myself. Many times before I feared that I would need an anchor, because I feel I would slip into insanity and lose myself…but I did slip into insanity and I needed that.
The rush of energy began to build from my stomach, I tossed and turned, thinking I was going to sleep but I couldn’t. Sleeping was a way of escaping from my reality, it was a way of denying that my depression and fear controlled my life. And those emotions emerged, focusing on why I viewed myself as ugly, undesirable, dark and disgusting. The inner child spoke, or maybe it was my shadow side, regardless of the voice it was a session of me communing with myself and pointing things out.
I realized I felt restricted, as if closed and unwilling to move. Where did that stem from? Where did I begin this stagnation? I said my grandmother. As much as I love her I know she is the reason why I prevent myself from expressing myself because I’m full of shame of who I am. Only wanting my nana to be proud of me I deny the aspects of myself I express to everyone but not to her. My voice said I close myself off from the ones Icare about and those that care about me. That maybe I should instead express my love, because I am love. Regardless of how I feel I’m not a good person the child reminded me that I am, or maybe I am the child and the shadow was telling me. It was all confusing to say the least. Dipping into levels of consciousness by myself was intense. There was a moment I opened my eyes and saw the Seth Rogen looking at me (I have a 40yr old Virgin poster) he was bending in and out, my room was shimmering, full of energy and even then I closed my eyes, afraid of looking out into the world.
Reminded again that I needed to keep my eyes open, to be not afraid of looking at things and actually seeing it for the beauty it is. In order for me to feel beautiful I shouldn’t look at things so ugly and destructive. The world around me is full of denial, frustration and anger and I judge it harshly, deservingly. But in order to truly change the world I have to use the love inside me, to push growth out into everyone else. My child said
“You’re beautiful, you’re a beautiful person because you want to share love. You expect so much of yourself because you want perfection knowing you’ll never be perfect. Instead you should accept the love you feel from people around you, those that truly reveal their love with their actions. And express to them that you truly care, prove to them you love them so they never doubt how you actually feel. You are the water, gentle and life giving. You create with beauty and wish to spread your waters across the globe to prove that everyone is beautiful, even when they express themselves as monsters. Because you know monsters exist in the waters of the deep.”
I question myself because of the darkness inside me. I wonder constantly how something so dark lies inside me, but I accepted that I shouldn’t deny that part of myself. That darkness is my sexuality and the child of the waters enjoys the darkness. Because it makes choices to travel into the deep of the sea. As the child spoke about loving yourself and that I am beautiful, it tread into the idea of my darkness…it said that I deny my sexuality, deny how much of sexual being I truly am. Not in that I am a ravenous beast, hungry to fuck but that I am a child of the divine. Divinity feels sexual. Euphoric. And as I am a mix of the dark and the bright, those energies intermingle and make me who I am.
My legs feel weak, my butt feels loose but the energy flowed through them and instinctually I hiked my ass in the air almost praying to be mounted. The child spoke again,
“You are a trickster, it’s okay to be confused about who you are. Because this world is marketplace, you get to decided who you want to be and how to react to the world around you. Do you want to be a tiger or a gazelle. Prey or predator. You have the option to choose who you want to be. You are the true fool masquerading as the devil that becomes an empress. You are sex, you are love. You are ferocious, you are a bitch, a queen or king. Do not apologize for who you are in the moment but don’t deny that you still have to grow. You’re so young even though you feel old, old soul you are. Remember how you used to walk, how you used to step with intention. Remember your glare that made others bow to your grace. remember how you moved yourself. Move again. Be the water you truly are. Earth has been holding you back, keeping you stuck, let the waters push and create rivers. Remember your voice, don’t hide what your tone truly sounds like. Don’t deny that you love to laugh with others, not at them. Restrict nothing from your lips unless necessary. And most importantly, remind everyone with your beauty that they are beautiful just like you.”
I came down from the trip and watched Grace and Frankie and laughed for no reason. The shroom revealed how much I had restricted myself. Of course it was more in depth than I’m writing but from the bit I remember it impacted me to the point that I know I have to get up and move. To transform the world in a way that you see as prosperous and forgiving. I am light and love and I am dark and deadly. I have to remind myself that I get to choose in this marketplace.